Yes, that was a trip. If you want to trade war stories I am here.
Don't mention it. Happy to help, if only a little.
Frozen in Carbonite
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Lets Talk About Our Lives
- Thread starter Horton
- Start date
Today I drove my 1997 Toyota Corolla and was leaving BMW's in the rear view mirror. Because my daughter wanted me to check her math home work before school.
My life looks nice on paper, people are kind to me, and nobody seems to be mean, but the group home boss made me promise to eat 2 meals a day and now I'm miserable. Yes, the eating disorder made me feel sick and weak. It isn't good for me. I could end up in the hospital or dead. So what? I wanna do my eating disorder. It was the only comfort I had from this whole living situation that is completely beyond my control and what the staff says goes. I feel very alone. Alone, terrified out of my mind and trying desperately to preserve my memories.
That's another thing that happened: extreme anxiety blaring in my head so loud that if I take my focus off of what I was thinking, I just forget, even if it's important. I just forgot the next line I was going to write by not obsessively focusing on it. I feel pressure in my head, dizzy, nauseous and sometimes my vision gets stars of light or goes away for a few seconds when I get really terrified. I have noise sensitivity now and loud or shrill noises trigger a partial to full blown headache.
I'm alone. My Mom is dead. The only person who really cared about me is dead. The group home boss can't replace my Mom. Nobody can. I think about her every day. The fact is that without her I don't even feel like getting up in the morning. Only your family will love you unconditionally. Strangers will never do that. My Mom is gone and she's the only one who really loved me. I'm starting to feel like crying.
I find myself preoccupied with past and future trauma. I've been physically abused, sexually abused and emotionally abused. Now I just think like, what if something really awful happened because I didn't do X, Y or Z? I become terrified about not doing what I need to do even in a normal conversation. It tinges everything with this cold and dizzy anxious feeling that I get. My life might look nice on paper, but I feel awful in every conceivable way, and it all started with the eating disorder being restricted.
I realize there are nice people here that hopefully don't mind all my whining, but these mental health symptoms are very distressing, and I feel like I need some kind of control because there are all these symptoms happening to me and I didn't choose my living situation. Please forgive me for saying strangers don't care--I know (hope) some of you care. I'm just really tired from my mental health symptoms and end up laying in a dark quiet room most of the day. I literally can't get up. So, while I appreciate the nice people or even *gasp* friends? Who have spoken to me about this issue before. My symptoms are simply getting to be too much for me to handle.
That's another thing that happened: extreme anxiety blaring in my head so loud that if I take my focus off of what I was thinking, I just forget, even if it's important. I just forgot the next line I was going to write by not obsessively focusing on it. I feel pressure in my head, dizzy, nauseous and sometimes my vision gets stars of light or goes away for a few seconds when I get really terrified. I have noise sensitivity now and loud or shrill noises trigger a partial to full blown headache.
I'm alone. My Mom is dead. The only person who really cared about me is dead. The group home boss can't replace my Mom. Nobody can. I think about her every day. The fact is that without her I don't even feel like getting up in the morning. Only your family will love you unconditionally. Strangers will never do that. My Mom is gone and she's the only one who really loved me. I'm starting to feel like crying.
I find myself preoccupied with past and future trauma. I've been physically abused, sexually abused and emotionally abused. Now I just think like, what if something really awful happened because I didn't do X, Y or Z? I become terrified about not doing what I need to do even in a normal conversation. It tinges everything with this cold and dizzy anxious feeling that I get. My life might look nice on paper, but I feel awful in every conceivable way, and it all started with the eating disorder being restricted.
I realize there are nice people here that hopefully don't mind all my whining, but these mental health symptoms are very distressing, and I feel like I need some kind of control because there are all these symptoms happening to me and I didn't choose my living situation. Please forgive me for saying strangers don't care--I know (hope) some of you care. I'm just really tired from my mental health symptoms and end up laying in a dark quiet room most of the day. I literally can't get up. So, while I appreciate the nice people or even *gasp* friends? Who have spoken to me about this issue before. My symptoms are simply getting to be too much for me to handle.
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Okay. I'll take a breath and slow down. I get used to running at maximum because of all the anxiety. I'm looking at this whole thing as, "Could be worse." Because objectively everybody I tend to run into these days has been nice to me. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful for everything people have done and the people at the group. Anyway, I'm looking at today positively, thank you Rabe.
There's an open day at a Naval Base next weekend about 4 hours drive from my location.
So I inform my family my plans to visit...
And somehow, my family verbally oppose my plans of visiting the place, citing the people there as "barbaric"?
I'm like WTF?
So I inform my family my plans to visit...
And somehow, my family verbally oppose my plans of visiting the place, citing the people there as "barbaric"?
I'm like WTF?
Rabe
Well-known member
maybe worried about the 4 hour drive?
You can chose your friends, but you cannot chose your family.
My heart goes out to you brother.
I quit drinking. 20 days sober ATM.
I also quit smoking...
#%&@
The second one is a problem!!!
Only managed to drop from over 20 a day to under 10 yesterday. Today I'm at one a day. But the day is still young.
I consider not having a cigarette as part of my breakfast to be a victory.
Wish me luck.
I also quit smoking...
#%&@
The second one is a problem!!!
Only managed to drop from over 20 a day to under 10 yesterday. Today I'm at one a day. But the day is still young.
I consider not having a cigarette as part of my breakfast to be a victory.
Wish me luck.
Rubick
Well-known member
3 cigs a day ain't going to hurt you.
Congrats on setting yourself towords the goal of trying to quite drinking. Will be no doubt long and difficult path
I'm on the same path. Had my first drink in over a week today. I've gone from drinking every day to drinking once or twice a week.
t-dugong
Beach bum, Esq.
Good for you, at least you're trying to stop before you were made to stop.
*Points at self for having to stop because of a stroke*