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Healing Light (Exalted/ Modern World AU)

Thanks.

So... anything to say, or should I just put in a new chapter?
Well, other than the soldiers being remarkably chill about visiting hell and not gawking, this is pretty much a buildup chapter so there's not really much to say about it.

Other than given the timing of the new patient's arrival, it seems like she was expected.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
Well, other than the soldiers being remarkably chill about visiting hell and not gawking, this is pretty much a buildup chapter so there's not really much to say about it.

Other than given the timing of the new patient's arrival, it seems like she was expected.
Frankly speaking, I'm not too sure how to do the 'soldiers visiting hell thing'. Part of it is that Lamulis has dealt with mortal visitors before and knows how to keep them chill. Adding in to the fact that Pacifica made sure to go to a less 'scenic' route, and these are trained veterans....

But yes, you are right. I likely wrote them as being way too chill. I just couldn't think of a way to write them down as being shocked and surprised by hell and not putting it off as... preachy? Cliche? Stupid? Tripe?
 
Frankly speaking, I'm not too sure how to do the 'soldiers visiting hell thing'. Part of it is that Lamulis has dealt with mortal visitors before and knows how to keep them chill. Adding in to the fact that Pacifica made sure to go to a less 'scenic' route, and these are trained veterans....

But yes, you are right. I likely wrote them as being way too chill. I just couldn't think of a way to write them down as being shocked and surprised by hell and not putting it off as... preachy? Cliche? Stupid? Tripe?
If they're former veterans, then rather than being preachy or anything, just have them nervous. Not scared witless nervous, but tense nervous, as if expecting shit to go down at any moment. This is clearly not Earth anymore, it's literally an alien landscape and by the warnings Pacifica has given, practically enemy territory or at least hostile environments. Some might relax with the hospitality, but most I think will be understandably on edge. Tour in Iraq kind of on edge.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
If they're former veterans, then rather than being preachy or anything, just have them nervous. Not scared witless nervous, but tense nervous, as if expecting shit to go down at any moment. This is clearly not Earth anymore, it's literally an alien landscape and by the warnings Pacifica has given, practically enemy territory or at least hostile environments. Some might relax with the hospitality, but most I think will be understandably on edge. Tour in Iraq kind of on edge.
showing nervousness?

Showing itchy trigger fingers? Constant fidgeting? Looking around both in awe, interest, and fear?

Bunching up together?
 
Things like that yes. Basically, the best image you can use is that of a patrol in a recently taken stretch of city.

They're not supposed to shoot without being shot at, what with all the civilian population around, but at the same time, there's that undercurrent of tension where they can expect to be attacked at any moment.

And you have to remember, they're not there for their sake. They're there to provide HVT protection.

If you want to keep them as is, you can have Pacifica exercise her golden biceps and use speechcraft to get them to relax. But that probably goes against the idea of bringing them in the first place, so your mileage varies.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
Things like that yes. Basically, the best image you can use is that of a patrol in a recently taken stretch of city.

They're not supposed to shoot without being shot at, what with all the civilian population around, but at the same time, there's that undercurrent of tension where they can expect to be attacked at any moment.

And you have to remember, they're not there for their sake. They're there to provide HVT protection.

If you want to keep them as is, you can have Pacifica exercise her golden biceps and use speechcraft to get them to relax. But that probably goes against the idea of bringing them in the first place, so your mileage varies.
You're right. In hindsight, since they're mercenaries protecting their principle, it was dumb to let Pacifica lead from the front. They should have surrounded her, or put her in the center of the convoy. Probably a cordon to prevent anyone from getting too close.

Question. I feel like... It's kinda boring. Is the story boring? Here are no great battles, no fights. Not even a good climax.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
Things like that yes. Basically, the best image you can use is that of a patrol in a recently taken stretch of city.

They're not supposed to shoot without being shot at, what with all the civilian population around, but at the same time, there's that undercurrent of tension where they can expect to be attacked at any moment.

And you have to remember, they're not there for their sake. They're there to provide HVT protection.

If you want to keep them as is, you can have Pacifica exercise her golden biceps and use speechcraft to get them to relax. But that probably goes against the idea of bringing them in the first place, so your mileage varies.
You're right. In hindsight, since they're mercenaries protecting their principle, it was dumb to let Pacifica lead from the front. They should have surrounded her, or put her in the center of the convoy. Probably a cordon to prevent anyone from getting too close.

Question. I feel like... It's kinda boring. Is the story boring? Here are no great battles, no fights. Not even a good climax.
 
It's early still story wise. A slice of life exalt works.

As for it being boring, there's no harm condensing the boring parts down a bit if you feel it's bogging down.

On the other hand, if you want battles... it's Malfeas isn't it? Hive of scum and villainy when they're not entertaining a new GSP.

Being mugged by the local gang is always a possibility if you want to showcase the difference between mundane soldiers and whatever the denizens of Malfeas can cook up.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
A big group of armed mortals, protecting a convoy, all soldiers? Most gangs would try and steer away.

I think, though, that there could be an attack later on. Either by raiders, fair folk, or the undead.

They are journeying through the multiverse.
 
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Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
It's early still story wise. A slice of life exalt works.

As for it being boring, there's no harm condensing the boring parts down a bit if you feel it's bogging down.

On the other hand, if you want battles... it's Malfeas isn't it? Hive of scum and villainy when they're not entertaining a new GSP.

Being mugged by the local gang is always a possibility if you want to showcase the difference between mundane soldiers and whatever the denizens of Malfeas can cook up.
Please don't take this wrong... But have you posted the link?
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
And done. Hopefully you'll get more traffic.
Yeah, and for things...

You know the Demon city? I'm thinking of it to look like this scene.


Insanely weird creatures? Strange sky? Unknown architecture? A mixture of both low and high tech, with magic/ tech? Massive wealth inequality?

Most definitely Malfean
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
There was an awkward silence.

They were sitting in a circular room, somewhat less ostentatious than the one before. This one turned out to be a private meeting room, away from prying eyes and more suited to friendly chats and negotiations, rather than a need to impress visitors. Two cups of sweet tea were in front of them, as were several trays of iced cake. The tray of iced cakes were already three-quarters eaten. And not a word had been spoken until Lamulis had brought the girl in, introduced her, and left.

The girl in front of her was.... different. Spiralling red horns, with red hair and pupils. A faint glow suffused her, as if a fire was within, barely covered by her skin. Her eyes were yellow, while her skin was a brownish red, with cracks of faint gold threading through it, like magma showinng up beneath volcanc rock. Her nails were red and pointed. She was short, half a head shorter than Pacifica and right now she was washing down the half a dozen cakes she had just eaten with tea.

Pacifica cursed herself. Her friendship with Bryce had been a fluke. She had no idea on how to start making friends. The early years of her life had left her bereft of most conversational skills to talk to people her own age. But she had to start somewhere, right? How does someone start a conversation without figuratively falling flat on your face?

"Urm...hi."

Silence.

Goddamn it.

"Hello," said the demonic-looking girl, sipping her tea again. "So we're finally talking. Good. Lamulis said that your talents included medicine. Tell me, how good are you?"

"Pretty good." said Pacifica. She thought back to what she had been doing in the homeless shelter, starting what had seemed to be a century ago. "I've been able to heal people from wounds that would require months in days." That one had been a woman with a truly unfortunate case of 3rd degree burns, and another man who had found his lower body crushed by a car, an accident that had left him crippled but alive. He had come over to the clinic, hoping for morphine or anything to numb the pain, and had walked out. "And I've never met a disease I couldn't cure." That one had been hepatitis A, B, and the HIV virus. All of it carried by unfortunates who had been living on the streets. "Actually, among the things I could do, I say that curing disease is what I'm best at."

"Well, that's good." said the girl, slamming her cup down onto the saucer with an audible thunk. "My name... is Blazing Fire of Molten Stone." Sounds like a name from a wuxia novel. "And I have come to you for assistance. My people are currently in a refugee camp, living within a wasteland. There is sufficient food, and my people eke out a livable, though not joyful and prosperous existence. But there is a problem." she said, looking up from the cup of tea she had been staring at. "A disease. Currently, we are staying at a camp while a nation processes our application to enter as citizens. Such an application has stalled due to an outbreak of Fiendfyre. Do you know what that is?"

Pacifica shook her head.

"Strange. It's quite infamous. It is a disease, not truly virulent, that lives within human bodies and the rare unlucky animal, with an incubation period ranging from several days to several months. Victims have symptoms starting with coughing, weakness, constant fatigue, fevers, and eventually collapsing into a coma." Molten Stone's face darkened as she continued. "It is after the coma that they are most dangerous - their bodies transform, swelling to monstrous proportions, becoming tougher, faster, stronger, a yellow-green beast. Their minds are gone, leaving only madness. At that stage, they seek out creatures to attack and kill before they die in 15 minutes. Bullets, knives and swords only slow them down, and you need to either destroy them wholesale or use fire. And that is the problem. As they rampage, the virus that lives in them turns extremely virulent, spreading to any of their surviving victims and contaminating any water their body fluids have landed in."

"Seems like a fucking shitty plague, if you don't mind the language." said Pacifica. "You have anybody else helping you? Any charities we can get help with?"

Molten stone simply shook her head, unhappiness at her features. "No, I'm afraid. Before this, we were indentured workers. Working for a corporation. When it fell, we managed to get free. But now, we don't have a nation of our own. No one wants us. My powers managed to get money, to buy water and medicine and other supplies so that we won't just die. But there has been grumbling about how everyone should just sterilize this plague of Fiendfyre. The refugee camp has already become a quarantine zone, with no one allowed in or out. It's already been half a year, since we've had hope of a new life. Everyone else... just views us as troublemakers or you know, slaves."

"Well that's unfortunate." said Pacifica, thinking back to the many refugee crisis on her own home planet. "Let me guess. You want me to help you cure it?"

"Yes. For now, we have Alarenol. It lets us halt the stop of the disease. Puts the victim in the coma. My powers let us fish the nearby lake near-indefinitely. But its really expensive, though, and it doesn't actually cure anything. My resources are running dry, and the disease is still spreading despite my efforts. That's not discounting all the previous issues. And diagnosing people who are carriers is expensive, burning away even more money, especially since people can carry it for months without symptoms."

"Wait." said Pacifica, holding up a hand to signal a stop. "You just said that the medicine's expensive, and there's no charity coming to help you out. So... how did you get the money for applications? Actually, how did you get the money for the medicine at all? From what I can tell, this disease is contagious as hell at the end stage, and you said that you have no territory of your own, and are refugees. How the devil did you run a refugee camp, get money for medicine, and somehow get money for processing applications. If I'm right, it's gotta cost money to even apply for residency, right? So how?"

Molten stone nodded, eating another cake. "You're right. My powers can help me get money. That's why we're even alive to begin with."

"Yes, I know. But what did you do? It can't be healing, or this outbreak wouldn't have happened at all. Did you make things to sell, or something?"

A look of annoyance crossed Molten Stone's face. "No, you misunderstand. My powers let me get money. Not earn it. Money, for myself."

Pacifica simply got more confused... and annoyed herself. "But how? You snap your fingers and loose change appears? Because I'm sure that's counterfeiting, and illegal."

Blazing Fire of Molten Stone just shrugged her shoulders. "Well, you've got to see me do it to believe it. But that's how I'm paying for your healing services. I'm going to snap my fingers, and over the course of months, you're going to be rich. Very rich. Call yourself a tycoon, or a merchant princess, or whatnot. You're going to be among the elite of the elite."

"Is there a catch?"

"Yes. You have to do me a favour. Though, you won't have to do it, though. I can just ask you to walk around in a circle, and then the favour would be spent."

"I see." nodded Pacifica. "So its basically, you can bless people with money. And then they have to do what you tell them. That actually explains how you actually managed to get money and get the residency program going."

"Money, social status, skills, beauty, physical strength, land.... whatever you want. If its possible for a human being to get it with hard work and time, I can grant it to you."

Molten Stone ate the last of the cakes. "So we have a deal? I grant you, or someone of your choice, money and power. In return, heal my people from this. And the other assorted issues they have."

"Deal."

~

"Well boss, I think its a good idea." They were seated around a podium, still snacking on the remaindersof the banquet, greenish light pouring over them from a chandelier on top. "I've seen shit before, from a short stint in a syrian refugee camp. You say there's no charity? Well, then there's probably diseases. Broken bones that haven't healed properly. All sorts of nasties that you usually get aspirin or rubbing alcohol for but turns to shit when you don't have any. You'll be welcome there."

"Yeah, but what's this about a zombie plague? And can this fire girl be trusted?" said another soldier, standing up. "The boss's got superhealing, I give you that... but this is literally a zombie virus. Also, it could be a trick. I've already heard a thousand people telling me that they can make me rich in a few simple steps. Another one sounds pretty much the same."

"Oh please, let's be honest here." another soldier said, waving his hand. "I lost an arm and a leg to an IED. Doctors said that it would cost me another arm and leg to get prosthetics for it. So I said, fuck it, and left. And what do you know?" he said moving his 4 limbs for emphasis. "I got the full set now. So obviously, when someone says that he or she or whatever the hell she is can make me rich by blessing me? I say that we should take her seriously."

"So all in favour?" asked Pacifica, looking around the room. It was Carl who answered her. "You don't need to ask us for a vote, boss. Someone needs help. And besides, we work for you."

"Well, that's that then. Move out!"

~

"Well, what a shithole."

That was the first description of the camp.... and Pacifica couldn't disagree. The place was pretty bad. Tents and wooden buildings, placed haphazardly with neither plan nor pattern. Pacifica sniffed the air. There was... illness. Not just Fiendfyre, but a mundane disease that bore a startling similarity to cholera. She could already hear the coughs and moans of pain. Ah, yes. There was a shortage of painkillers.

"So that's the lake, where we get the majority of our food from." said Blazing Fire, pointing to a patch of blue and green off to the left. "It's a short walk away, and we have enough carts to deal with the food being brought in. The food doesn't spoil easily, not when eaten fast or smoked. So there's no need to forage for food or farm. We simply fish every day in the morning."

"There's, what, over a million people inside those camps?" said a soldier, extending a hand downwards to the menagerie of tents. "Barring all the problems with all these people... how the hell are you going to feed so many people at a time? I mean, aside from magic."

"Exactly. Magic. Or power, as you call it." said Blazing fire, pointing at the lake. "I've blessed the lake. Its basically full of fish and water plants and all sorts of food that's nutritious. It will never run out." She glanced at a portion of the camp. "Oh no."

There, there was fire rising among the tents.

~

A man, aged 25 to 30, with a fractured leg. It had been healed improperly causing joint movement and pain. It healed in an instant, the pain instantly fading. The man bowed, then left back to his work.

~

A girl between 8 and 12 who had gotten a cut from a plant. That was 2 weeks ago, and now the wound had grown gangrenous. Pacifica could already see the bone amongst the greyish and greenish flesh. The wound had been improperly dressed, and with insufficient antibiotics and pain killers, it had gotten infected.

~

A man with an arm blown off by some great heat, the stump having been cauterized by whatever had crippled him. Pacifica did her thing, substituting surgery and medical supplies with her own ability, poking and prodding him, realigning the energy coursing through his body and temporarily altering him, granting him the power to regrow his arm. She told him how long he would have to rest. 2 weeks, no strenuous activity would be for the best.

~

A woman with nerve damage. Pacifica glanced at the device that had done it, and grimaced. This was a device with a remote transmitter, a battery that fed off body heat, and a shocking device, meant more for pain and suffering than death. This was a torture device or something meant to ensure compliance.

She placed a hand, and began to heal.

~

Another man, with issues reminiescent to shock. He had been locked up in solitary confinement for over a year, and had only now begun recuperating thanks to prolonged human contact in the camp. Nevertheless, there was still the lingering trauma. It was stated in his form that it was due to 'disobedience'.

She layed down her tools. This was going to take some doing. Adopting a kind and relaxed tone, she began to talk. "Now, Mr Kensu. It says here in your file that-"

~

"This is really bad." said Pacifica. She clapped her hands together, and the pile shuddered. And then, it moved. Dirt, stone, twigs, tree trunks, and all other raw materials floating within the air, glistening softly with gold. And then, they began to shift, stone splitting apart and dirt transforming into bricks, and in the blink of an eye, what was in front of her was not a pile of dirt and rubble, but an immaculate building for rest and relaxation.

"I would like to say it's not my fault.... but it is my fault." said Blazing Fire, even as they walked over the dirt and soil that the camp was laid over. Each step Pacifica took sent out shockwaves of golden colour, the dirt, soil, and dust transforming into stone pavement and solid tarmac.

"Yeah. You're smart. Really smart." said Pacifica as she waved a piece of paper with a dozen diagrams on it. "You're smart enough to create a sewer system and plan the entire area. You just needed someone that could, you know, actually bring them out into reality. And you trained up advisors using your power to grant skills.... though how on earth you managed to train someone in an ability you yourself don't know, I would never understand."

"But still, I've listened to you talk. You've got skills that are insanely useful. But nothing for helping you survive in a rural area without any greater support of civilisation. You've got a massive food supply, and you guys are doing the best you can, but... tell me, why?"

Blazing fire flinched. "Ok, that one, you have to understand. You know what we were before this?" her eyes blazed. For a moment, there wasn't frustration. There wasn't stress from seeing people die from sickness. This wasn't stress from having to deal with people who disliked her.

This was pure hate.

"Slaves. We were slaves. Slaves because some fucker of a corporation took over our home planet, starved us out, and then put us into contracts that may have been chains." she spat out the name as if it was poison. "TITAN corporation. What a grand name for a bunch of monsters. I hated it. My parents were liquidated after a workplace accident. 'Insufficient resources' they said. My friend, too. Got into trouble sneaking around and basically killed herself. You've seen their handiwork."

Pacifica could only glumly nod. She thought her life was bad. But this..... this was hell on not-earth. And these weren't the worst cases. The worst were already long-dead.

"Well, I decided to tear down TTITAN CORP, piece by piece. My powers let me destroy social structures and organisations like you can tear apart pieces of paper. So I made TITAN stocks crash, and with it, voided every single one of their contracts. Including the ones that bound us."

"But that didn't completely work out."

Blazing Fire snorted. "No, of course not. Power vacuum, they called it. Since everyone's contracts were null and void.... well, everyone started shooting and looting. I got them out, and a month later, the planet exploded. No one left alive. But hey, 99.99% got evacuated with the clothes on their backs. At least that's good enough. And the rest... at least they're out of their misery."

Blazing Fire then frowned. "But TITAN corp's reach is wide. The things they did.... they made sure no one would ever bother trying to save us. Basically a media campaign and propaganda. People don't want us, thinking we're troublemakers. So now we're stuck."

She sighed. "I'm going to bring you to the worst patients. The ones with the, you know... Fiedfyre. Be prepared. It isn't pretty."

~

Blazing Fire was right. It wasn't pretty. The patients were set in a portion far from the main camp, with not a single water source or tree in sight. Armed men patrolled the area, with guns, hatchets, or even spears with fire-hardened tips. The patients inside weren't in good shape. She could already tell which ones were bad, and which ones were going to live a bit longer. Already, there were signs of malnutrition and skin discolouration. The drug had caused them to stop... or slowed the progress of the disease.

"After the last 3 ones.... well, everyone who had reached the coma stage is brought here. Same for those who have started vomiting." said Blazing fire, pointing to the clothed attendants who wore gloves and robes. "Thanks for the new medical equipment. At this stage, their sweat has started to turn more infectious. So there's always a need for more methods of quarantine."

Pacifica bent down, and examined one of them. The hand was limp, discolored. The nail was growing, the nail bed slowly shifting in colour. Extensive damage to the brain and liver and digestive system. The patient had a raging fever, and was sweating rapidly, swiftly losing body fluids. The body fluids leaking out were filled with the pathogen. She glanced at it, examing it beneath a microscope.

This was... bad. Alien. She didn't know how it did it, but this wasn't anything like she had known. The transformative power she had heard of, and the bodies she had seen of the aftermath, and the varied incubation and progression times she had heard of, and now this?

This was most definitely not an ordinary disease, like anthrax or the black death. This was something else. For a moment, Pacifica doubted whether this could truly be cured. Then she quashed it. Doubt was a weakness. She will not try.

She will.

She looked up. "I might need some space. Please leave for now." The attendants looked up at her, hesitant.

"Listen to her. She's the doctor." Blazing Fire's voice rang out clear and loud, with not hint of the earlier despair or weakness she had before. "And I am your leader. Now move."

The attendants bowed their heads, and began to move, their cloaks rustling in the large tent that housed this population of the doomed and dying. And then, Pacifica steepled her fingers, reaching deep into the power that had been with her since that faithful night. This disease.... this disease was the worst thing she had ever seen. She needed this power.

It was already evening, and the camp was already rolling down into peace. The work of the day done, it was now time to sit back and relax. The entertainers, singers and dancers who had been selected by the leader to help distract and amuse the population to prevent a full on suicide spree or revolt were already starting up. Fresh fish, clams, lobster, seaweed, and jellyfish, were smoked, fried, or just eaten raw, the magic of Blazing Fire making them far more nutritious and palatable than what was natural. The festivities were interrupted as a massive bonfire of light erupted from the corner of the camp. Some turned around in fear, convinced that the quarantine had failed, and that soon the remnants of their friends and family would come to kill them all.

That worry was soon washed away by the light. It was not a flare, signalling an emergency. Instead, it was a pillar of light bursting into the sky, turning dusk into dawn, displaying poppies and spiral helixes.

All will be well.
 
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Her eyes glowed yellow, while her skin was a brownish red, faintly glowing in the green light, cracks of yellow glowing through it, like magma showing up beneath volcanic rock.
Too many glows in the sentence. Try replacing the second one with 'shining' and the last with 'cracks of yellow light threaded through it'.

She was short, half a head shorter than Pacifica, and currently, she was washing down the half a dozen cakes she had just eaten with tea.
Second comma not really needed.

"Hello," said the demonic-looking girl, sipping down her tea again. "So we're finally talking. Good. Lamulis said that your talents included medicine. Tell me, how good are you?"
You generally don't sip down. Gulp or slurp yes, but sipping is too slow to use down as an emphasis on the action.

She thought back onto what she had been doing in the homeless shelter,
to

Victims have symptoms starting with coughing, weakness, constant fatigue, fevers, and eventually a collapse and a coma."
Bolded sounds a bit awkward? Maybe try "collapse into a coma"?

a yellowish and greenish beast.
I think this one you can concise it to "a yellow and green beast"

and then die, in 15 minutes.
"and then they die in 15 minutes"

Bullets, knives and swords only slow them down. and You need to either destroy them wholesale or use fire.
But by now, we don't have a nation of our own.
But there has been grumbling
The refugee camp has already become a quarantine zone, with no one allowed in or out.
Bit of a plot hole since she's talking to Pacifica outside of the quarantine zone and they later walk back into it. Something you might want to consider.

My resources are running dry, and the disease is still spreading, somehow.
Can't be somewhere because they know exactly where it's spreading.

And testing for it is money drain, since the test itself costs money, and the disease may not show up for weeks or months."
Don't need two money's in the same sentence. Maybe replace it with "is expensive"?

Blazing Fire of Molten Stone just shrugged her shoulders. "Well, you've got to see it to believe it.
I'm going to snap your fingers, and over the course of months, you're going to be rich.
Unless Molten Stone is talking about breaking Pacifica's fingers, I think you meant "snap my fingers"

And then they have to do what you tell them to.
"Money, social status, skills, beauty, physical strength, land.... whatever you want. If its possible for a human being to get it with hard work and time, I can grant it to you."
It's ironically cliche where you have a literal devil promising all the goodies in the world, just in exchange for one little soul favor

Molten Stone ate the last of the cakes. "So we have a deal? I grant you, or someone of your choice, money and power. In return, give me their health back."
The way this is phrased sounds a lot more like "I make you rich, you give me your schmuck's health".

Unless that's deliberate, try rewording it to "In return, give my people their health back."

They were seated around a podium, still snacking on the remainder of the banquet, soldiers still eating the weird food in hell, greenish light pouring over them from a chandelier on top.
The crossed out text isn't needed since it just repeats the preceding section.

"I've seen shit before, in a short stint in a syrian refugee camp.
from

All sorts of nasties that you usually get aspirin or rubbing alcohol for that turns to shit when you don't have any.
but

I give you that... but these is literally a zombie virus.
this

Also, it can be a trick.
Tense mismatch. Use 'could'

Another one sounds pretty much sounds the same."
Duplicate

So there's no need for food."
No need for more food or no need for food storage? It sounds pretty odd when combined with the previous sentence, almost like they don't need to eat at all.

"There's, what, over a million people inside those camps?" said a soldier, extending a hand downwards there.
"Barring all the problems with so many people... how the hell are you going to feed so many people at a time? I mean, barring magic."
Replace bolded with "all these people" and "aside from" respectively. That way you don't repeat yourself in the sentence.

There, there was fire rising amongst the tents.
among

A man, with a fractured leg.
Comma unneeded.

It was healed in an instant, the pain instantly fading.
The man bowed, then left back to his work.
went. If you want to use 'left', it should be 'left for work'.

A girl who had gotten a cut 2 weeks ago from a plant. That was 2 weeks ago, and now the wound had grown gangrenous.
Got rid of the first repetition.

Pacifica did her thing, substituting her ability with any kind of medicine or surgical tool,
ordering should be the other way around "substituting any kind of medicine or surgical tool with her ability"

realigning the coursing through his body and temporarily altering him,
missing a word between the bolded two words.

2 weeks, no strenuous activity would be for the best.
Spelling error.

Another man, with issues reminiscent of shock.
He had been locked up in solitary confinement for over a year, and had only now been recuperating due to prolonged human contact in the camp.
"begun" and "thanks" respectively. They flow better that way.

though how on earth you managed to train someone in an ability you yourself don't know how to, I would never understand."
Slaves become some fucker of a corporation took over our home planet, starved us out, and then put us into contracts that may have been chains."
because

Also, it's a bit strange that they're talking about home planet. As I understood it, Exalted had Creation and the world-bodies that are the Jotun ala Autocthonth and Malfeas. Unless you're mixing in more original content?

"TITAN corporation. What a grand name, for a bunch of monsters.
Comma unneeded.

And these weren't the less worst cases. From what she could hear, this wasn't the worst. The worst were already all dead.
Second sentence more or less repeats the first.

Also, never write things like 'less worst'. Worst already means the most bad possibly achievable.

or even spears of fire-hardened tips.
with

The body fluids leaking out, were filled with a virus.
comma unneeded.

She will not try.

She shall.
Shall has a degree of uncertainty, and is similar to try. Also, it lacks a descriptor of what she'll try.

So try it like so, with italicized or bolded for emphasis.

She would not try to heal them.

She would.


prevent a full on suicide spree or revolt, were already starting up.
Comma unneeded.

Fresh fish, clams, lobster, cooked seaweed, and jellyfish, were smoked, fried, or just eaten raw, the magic of Blazing Fire making them far more nutritious and palatable than what was natural.
You don't need to say cooked 'food' and then add the cooking elements after. It's redundant that way.

The festivities were interrupted, as a massive bonfire of light erupted from the corner of the camp.
Comma unneeded.

Phew. All done.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
Well thanks a lot. I'll review and edit. Though there is one thing to say. Yes, it is a multiverse. And yes, there are other planets.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
So anyway, @Mashadarof402 I got a thing.

The training Pacifica got was basically 'how to not panic during an attack'.

Basically, I'm having her to see military action, that will be a prelude to her deciding to learn war charms.

I'm just not sure on what to do. I have 2 ideas:

1. One of the carriers roll badly, and have succumbed 2 days ago to infection. He collapsed... and now he's a monster, and roaming towards the camp. He's got a boatload of soak, and basically going to go down to focued fire from the mercenaries.

2. There have been a band of raiders that hit the camp. Belligerent and dangerous. They're total assholes, and have been raiding for food and supplies, which was why there was a fire at the beginning. There's more than 1, which is why Blazing Fire hasn't stamped them out. Moving against one means that the other has a chance to move against the camp. It's only due to desperation that she left for Malfeas at all.

Maybe I can have Pacifica send her mercs along with a dozen other fighters, outfitted in weaponry and supplies created by Craftsman needs no tools.

As for how Blazing Fire managed to escape quarantine... Blazing Fire's got charms from Malfeas, Kimberry, the Ebon Dragon, and Cecylene. Cecylene for seeing organisations and granting wishes. Kimberry lets her affect ocean-based shit, which is why a single lake could feed several million people and never run out of food. Malfeas helped her basically storm up to TITAN offices and then slaughter their main board of directors. The Ebon Dragon meant that she's got a talent for shapeshifting and finding weakness and escaping. Being able to change appearance and being able to throw anti-organisation ebon dragon charms means that she can weaken the quarantine, spot the weaknesses, and just stroll out and no one will be the wiser.
 

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
A short sidestory

"Next."

Samantha Carter sighed. Her partner looked back at her. They had been working since morning to afternoon, taking out interviews. Apparently, there had been some kind of disturbance. Several residents had reported a gigantic light show appearing in the project region. Normally, this would have been ignored since they had better things to do than to deal with some illegal fireworks by a bunch of troublemakers. But no, they couldn't just ignore it. Some downtown residents had seen it, and as 'concerned citizens', asked them to do shit.

Which was why they were here, in this shithole, talking to druggies and lowlives trying to figure out what had happened.

"Look, look, I have been on no drugs, ok!"

"Sorry officer, I want no trouble."

"Oh yeah, I saw it, it was a gigantic light show, and it had pictures on it some kind of hologram..... alright fine, I admit I was drunk at the time."

"It wasn't me who did it!"

"Didn't see it. Was too busy working for the johns, if you know what I mean."

"This is stupid." her partner said. Jackson Crowe, was a long standing officer with 2 kids and a wife, working over time to pay for the tuition bills. He gingerly stepped over a used condom, and a discarded cigarette packet, hoping to keep his boots clean. "It's a gigantic lightshow. No one was hurt, right?"

"Well, no one was hurt. And we've interviewed two officers...." There were two officers on patrol that had witnessed the flare. One was on sick leave due to hand foot mouth disease. The other had been interviewed and said that it was some weird hologram showing leaves and a spiral. They had seen it, certainly, but...

"But no one on site actually knows what actually happened. I mean seriously, this is a place where no one talks to officers about shootings. What would they tell us?" Crowe was right. An entire day spent, travelling back and forth, walking past disused buildings and long-destroyed cars, interviewing belligerent homeless and people she would likely have arrested any other day.

"Yeah. I mean, the closet thing we got was that it was somehow at the... Calabri-Orange projects?" said Crowe looking back at the notes.

"Oh god." she said.

The Calbri-orange projects was a project long-abandoned by the city. Built 20 years ago, it had been counted as a solution for the homeless problem. A solution that made things worse as the project had stalled due to embezzlement and corruption. The place was a hotbed of crime, ranging from murders, to muggings, to robbery, to human trafficking, and underage prostitution.

"Well, any leads?" asked Crowe.

"Well, the landlord said that the access to the roof is always locked, and that no one's been up there for months." proof indicated by the layer of dust and grime coating the rooftop. "And he can't imagine someone putting up a movie light effect there instead of someplace like the city center or even the football field."

"Ah, heck. But who the hell do we talk to? I mean, maybe we should try - " Crowe's suggestion was interrupted by Samantha holding up her hand, signalling for him to stop.

"Look Crowe." she said, looking into his eyes. "I know that you want to help people. I know you're hard working. But for god's sake, its a friday, and I'm supposed to pick up my niece from her clarinet practice. We've been walking around all day, and its completely fruitless. Let's just toss this thing into the cabinet, label it as strange weather like ball lightning, and then just go off for the weekend, alright? I've never liked overtime, let alone voluntary overtime."

She turned around and marched back to civilisation, her partner following behind her with a soft "ok."

~

"So what you've got there?" said the voice. Swanson looked up. He'd been studying the reports and accounts, and was currently putting up a map. It was his protege, Diana, a new member of the force.

"Well, just investigating some rumours. There seems to be someone new in the old projects. We've been investigating some reports, interviewing some people over here and there. Seems that there're rumours of a doctor or some kind of group, giving out free food, medicine, clothing, that kind of thing. But the thing is, that isn't normal. No publicity. So its either - " he held up a finger. "Either a really subtle philanthropist." he held up another finger. "Or its a criminal group hoping to bribe the residents to like them. Looking at the state of the city we live in, I say that it's the latter."

"Oh." said Diana. She was new, relatively naive. She hadn't had the cynicism of long years in the force. Well, she would learn well, sooner or later. They always did. Probably after years of trying to get people to reform, or picking up the same man 30 times over for overdosing. "Well, what do you have?"

"Well, there's lots of stuff." Technically, he wasn't supposed to do this. Practically, who gives a shit? He pointed to a pack of numbers. "There's been a steady drop in crimes related to the homeless and drugs. Apparently there's something out there that's stopping them from getting into their old stashes of heroin and cocaine. So they either miraculously managed to break their addiction... or something else got them hooked." He pointed to another portion of the street map. "There's something there. Apparently, that's the location where there's been some food distribution - "

"Holy shit, what the feck are you guys doing here!" shouted a man, slamming the door open. It was Fred, one of their coworkers. A man with a penchant for slacking, Fred bore none of the trademark relaxation or easy-going manner he had. "There's been a school shooting. So far there's been 20 people killed! Good god, come over here, because I think this would require the entire department!"

Both nodded at once, Diana rushing out and Swanson packing up his things. He took one glance at the work he had done, the graphs, the interviews... and swept it up, putting it inside the locker. Maybe some day. Besides, its not like anybody dead has been reported. He'll do it another day.

~

He had been following the woman for a week, now.

She's working at the local K-mart. She's working often overtime, taking the same route; the same shortcut, through the abandoned sections of the city. He had been following her, her appearance catching his eyes since the day he went out to buy a pack of eggs. Black, dark, middle-aged, with a daughter that he heard from a grapevine. He'd seen her once. She most definitely did not look like her mother.

His grip tightened on his clothes. He was wearing a coat, for the winter. His clothes were dark, plain, and unassuming, barely memorable at all. His face helped in this, being completely average. All assets for his.... 'hobby'. He hadn't had his fill for a long time. The thirst was getting worst and worst.

It was just an itch he scratched from time to time. Prostitutes, homeless... people who were never missed. But he needed more. He needed someone... higher on the totem pole. Someone who was a bit more challenging. Someone like the person in front of him. Not too important to the police, what with her dark skin and all, but someone who had a family. Someone who had somebody waiting for her back home.

Somebody whose keys he could steal from her cooling corpse, and then open up the door, to enter her house, to find that young child of hers all alone.

He stepped closer, keeping his feet far from the debris, avoiding anything that could announce his presence. He kept to the shadows, slowly following from a distance, always tracking her footsteps in the dark night. The moon was already half-hidden by clouds, and it was hard to discern a human shape, nevermind one in dark clothes, unless you were already looking. She hadn't even looked back once, in her trip home, likely tired out from a day at work.

Idiot.

She was already halfway through the abandoned area. He had already made sure that there was nobody left here. Nobody to interfere, nor hear her scream. Cops rarely entered this area. Now she was walking through the abandoned construction site. Good. The structures left over should muffle the sounds. He would take a few hours with her, and then-

A tap on his shoulder. He whirled around. This dark and this desolate meant that whoever was here likely meant nothing good. His voice choked out in a choked gasp, as something resembling a rod of steel struck him in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him. He bent over, knees weak, as his hands went to his abdomen, mouth gaping as if trying to grab the air that he now lacked. His opponent's fist was still on his chest, resting on it.

A blow to the back of his head made him turn, stars momentarily shining as the pain nearly made him blanked out. There, another figure, that had suddenly crept behind him even as he turned around. But how? He was good at this. They couldn't have found him by accident; he would have heard them. But that means... that means they were waiting for him. And that means....

Something grabbed him. His vision turned blurry, even as hands and feet dragged him into the alleyway, as he gasped and wheezed from the first deadly blow. He was flung, and he struck the abandoned alleyway with a soft thud, groaning as he felt something fracture. He gazed up at the stars, too shocked to move.

Four figures stood above him, towering over his prone body. One of them raised something. He recognised it, from his hoodlum days. A baseball bat, with nails embedded within it.

The bat swung down.

Mike Angelo, murderer, serial killer, and suspect of the disappearance for several women, died in an alley beside a defunct warehouse. Like his victims. Forgotten, abandoned, alone, and in the cold. His body would be found 3 days later, when a drunken hobo stumbled upon it.

Abigail Davis continued walking back to her home, humming a tune to herself, even as she imagined the hugs her daughter will give her when she got back.
 
So anyway, @Mashadarof402 I got a thing.
If you're looking for ideas on how to bring in conflict, you can always run with the tensions boiling over already. A militia has been formed to purge the camp using long range bombardment methods to wipe out the plague.

Or since this is Malfeas, there's probably an infernal or two running around who'd probably take exception to a Solar wandering about. Or maybe not liking the fact that their plan to take out the encampment via the plague is being foiled by a walking lightbulb.

Up to you really, but it all depends on how much you want to ramp things up.

EDIT: Going to put the corrections and what not for the sidestory up later today. Currently busy.
 
Last edited:

Accelerator

Well-known member
Author
If you're looking for ideas on how to bring in conflict, you can always run with the tensions boiling over already. A militia has been formed to purge the camp using long range bombardment methods to wipe out the plague.

Or since this is Malfeas, there's probably an infernal or two running around who'd probably take exception to a Solar wandering about. Or maybe not liking the fact that their plan to take out the encampment via the plague is being foiled by a walking lightbulb.

Up to you really, but it all depends on how much you want to ramp things up.

EDIT: Going to put the corrections and what not for the sidestory up later today. Currently busy.
Wait no. They aren't in Malfeas.

Its a multiverse. They went into Malfeas... And then came back out into the refugee camp.
 
They had been working since morning to afternoon, taking out interviews.
"from morning to afternoon, conducting interviews"

asked them to do shit.
'do shit' usually means 'do nothing'

So in this case, I'd recommend replacing it with "do something about it"

Which was why they were here, in this shithole, talking to druggies and lowlives trying to figure out what had happened.
lowlifes

An entire day spent, traveling back and forth,
first coma not needed. Traveling also has only one l.

said Crowe, looking back at the notes.
coma needed here.

"Well, the landlord said that the access to the roof is always locked,
But for god's sake, its a friday,
Friday needs to be capitalized.

"So what you've got there?" said the voice.
a voice. Can't use "the voice" because you haven't identified the source yet.

Seems that there're rumours of a doctor or some kind of group,
there's

"There's been a school shooting. So far there's been 20 people killed! Good god, come over here, because I think this would require the entire department!"
This sentence lacks the urgency of the opening line. I suggest a rewrite to:

"there's an ongoing school shooting, multiple shooters. Dispatch says there's already 20 people dead! Good god man, don't just sit there! We'll need the whole department for this!"

Besides, its not like anybody dead has been reported. He'll do it another day.
'had' and 'He'd' respectively. Tense issues.

She's working at the local K-mart. She's working often overtime, taking the same route; the same shortcut, through the abandoned sections of the city.
Present continuous tense really doesn't work when everything else is past tense. Suggest the following

"She worked at the local K-mart. Often worked overtime too, taking the same route; the same shortcut, through the abandoned sections of the city."

Black, dark, middle-aged, with a daughter that he heard from the grapevine.
it's usually 'the grapevine' rather than 'a grapevine'. The former indicates gossip. The latter implies a literal plant, and I don't think he's been talking to grapes.

He was wearing a coat, for the winter.
Comma not needed here.

His clothes They were dark, plain, and unassuming, barely memorable at all.
You already mentioned the word clothes in the previous sentence, so you can avoid repetition by using 'they' instead.

The thirst was getting worst and worst.
Worse. Worst is the end state and it doesn't get any badder than that. Worse is for when you want to indicate a downward trend, not bottoming out.

She hadn't even looked back once, in her trip home, likely tired out from a day at work.
Comma unneeded, replace bolded 'in' with 'on'

This dark and this desolate meant that whoever was here likely meant nothing good.
this dark and desolate what? I presume you meant 'desolate place'?

His voice choked out in a choked gasp,
Unneeded repetition.

as something resembling a rod of steel struck him in the solar plexus,
steel rod. You can tighten up the sentence by removing the 'of'.

He bent over, knees weak, as his hands went to his abdomen, mouth gaping as if trying to grab the air that he now lacked.
You're mixing up tenses here by putting past and present tense in the same sentence. Could do with some tightening up too for flow improvement.

"He bent over, hands clutching his abdomen, mouth gaping noiselessly as he futilely tried to suck in air."

A blow to the back of his head made him turn, stars momentarily shining as the pain nearly made him blanked out.
black out, not blanked out.

There, another figure, that had suddenly crept behind him even as he turned around.
But that means... that means they were waiting for him. And that means....
should be 'meant' for all three.

Mike Angelo, murderer, serial killer, and suspect of the disappearance for several women,
suspect behind the disappearance of several women,

Ok, that's it for now.
 
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