The Janus Campaign
The Janus Files 2: It's a mad, mad, mad, mad Empire!
As with the first excerpts of the Janus Files, over the course of the writing of The Janus Campaign, some bits have arisen, mainly produced by my readers, describing incidents which may or may not have happened during the course of the events in this story.. Many of these were provided by taalismn
We present more of these here. Enjoy!
It's Tradition, By George!
SAS Commander: "We pull this off, chaps, they'll have to strike off a new St. George award just to honor genuine dragon-slaying."
"Sir, given that it's been talked about that the Gate may have opened in medieval times, how do we know St. George didn't REALLY kill a bloody dragon?"
SAS Commander: "Then we're following in a fine British tradition!"
***
All In The Planning
Itami: "Taylor! It's ALL your fault!"
Taylor: "WHAT is my fault, Itami?"
Itami: "Ever since Aurelia described your house system to the girls, I can't get away with ANYTHING! Lelei has been drawing up schedules, Rory has taken on the role of House enforcer, Tuka is using those big innocent eyes on me and Yao! Around her, I can't even trust my own words! So it's all your fault! They're even calling Risa to get more stuff to blackmail me with! Risa's talking about moving back in with me! Damn it!"
Taylor: "I'm sorry. I'd love to help..."
Aurelia: "I'm sorry, my Lord but we need to be going. You need to be ready for Her Highness's party!"
Taylor: "Of course. You've all been looking forward to that. I'll start getting ready. Dress Whites?"
Aurelia: "Yes, my lord! Remember that your mothers will be there."
Itami: "Mothers, plural?"
Aurelia: "Oh yes! My mother, Nayu's mother, Lady Kalgi and her husband, Lady Octavia and Father, and Mrs. Taylor. Oh! And Lord Itami, I told Her Holiness and Miss Tuka that Her Highness has requested your presence also."
Rory's voice called from nearby: "Youji..."
Itami: "Dammit Taylor! Today was Comiket!"
***
Civil Defense
In the wake of the Ginza Incident, quite a few cities began taking looks at their own layouts and drawing up plans of what to do if a Gate showed up in THEIR neighborhoods.
Naturally, some of the property owners around New York City complained about the local police/National Guard approaching them about checking on renting(at discount) or commandeering, normally-high rent properties and looking into how best to turn them into local strong points…especially those properties overlooking Central Park.
"You want to know how best to knock out the windows for WHAT?!"
"Well, we figured we would put in a couple of heavy fifty-calibers, maybe a twenty-millimeter cannon …"
"!"
"Up to maybe a forty-millimeter if we can get it up your elevators. Or maybe we could get a Javelin team set up…there's enough room and ventilation in those apartments to handle the backblast, right?"
"!"
In other cities, it was a lack of civic preparedness which raised protests from citizens...
"Boston and New York are holding anti-Gate drills; what if they come through in HARTFORD?!"
***
PS... I Love You?!
"If we can just distract her for a moment," Itami suggested as Giselle came looking to settle the score.
"Right," Taylor nodded then shouted at Giselle. "Did you know you're beautiful when you're angry?"
Giselle stopped. "I... I'm beautiful? How beautiful am I?"
After a moment of surprise Itami fell over laughing. "Way to go! He wants to take you home to his mother! True love man!"
Giselle happily wrapped Taylor in a crushing embrace. "May Hardy grant me your soul forever!"
CRAP!
Itami continued to laugh.
Taylor shot him a look. "If I agree to marry you, will you kill him as my wedding present?"
***
Vintage Spirits
Elder: "On occasions like this we bring out the good booze."
Itami: "Which would be-?"
Elder: "Bottled seven hundred years ago."
Taylor: "Hey, look at the time! Sorry, love to stay, but we have places to go and people to see! Come along now!"
Itami: "You're sure in a hurry..."
Taylor: "...you really wanna stick around and tempt drunken shenanigans off centuries-old booze?"
Itami: "RIGHT! We are moving OUT!"
Matriarch Kyas: "Seven Hundred Years ago? Oh! I remember that batch! No... I don't think I'll have any of that. I've got some Twelve-Hundred-year-old stuff. Smooth."
***
Gross Anatomy
"All we've gotten to look at are little ones...oh, and that transformed corporal...and some of the sorta-dragon sophont-folk...THIS is like going from studying pigeons to walking through RODAN. Can you save us some lung tissue? We'd love to see what this thing uses for an oxygen transfer mechanism. Internal organs! If you spot anything that looks like intact organs, tag it and bag it and get it chilled! I'd PAY if we can get some intact parts of the heart! Damnit, I need a FREEZER CAR up here for our samples!"
(distant voice from the depths of the crater) "I think I found SPLEEN!"
***
Marriage in Triplicate!
Seeing a trend in it amongst personnel in the Janus/Special Region, governments have come out with several application forms; one for the single bride/groom, and the other for the other multiple partners.
"Form 244125-: Application for Recognized Group Familial Marriage-(Anchor)
Name:
National Affiliation:
Rank:
Gender:
Reasons for Special Consideration, Janus/Special Region Conditions(Check relevant boxes):
A: Declared by a community of 500 or more citizens and/or recognized Apostle of local god-entity to be appointed Champion/Avatar(attach signatures)
B: Declared by local god-entity to be Avatar/Demigod/God-Entity's Consort(provide witness statements)
C: Adopted by local aristocracy to peerage(Baron or higher)(provide signed official adoption)
D. Transformed/transfigured into post-human/creature of magic/demigod(attach medical files)
E. ...
"Form 33232324-: Application to Enter Into Recognized Group Familial Marriage-
Name:
National Affiliation:
Rank:
Gender:
Species/Race:
Anchor of Desired Group Familial Marriage:
Reasons for Desiring Entry into Group Marriage(Check relevant boxes):
A: Destined Love(attach affidavit of Oracle/priest/soothsayer)
B. Life Debt(Attach incident report detailing nature of life debt)
C: Arranged Marriage(Attach sworn statement of parents/guardians)
D. Psychological/physical Dependence on Group Marriage Anchor(attach physician's/psychiatrist's records)
E. Political/Dynastic Treaty(attach relevant treaty documents)
F.
"*Is your insanity permanent or temporary? Is it contagious?
*Are you currently taking substances that could adversely affect your judgment?
*Have you ever come under the influence of magic which could adversely affect your judgment?
*Have you gotten/discovered a tattoo or tattoos with the name(s) of any/all of the members of the group marriage on any part of your body? Are you regretting it?"
PROPOSAL ON THE ADDITIONAL LAW FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL MARRIAGE ACT.
The additional law as below;
1) must check financial, asset and bank statement of the anchor, whether he or she can afford the multiple spouses and possible children. Also, the spouse's statement as well whether they willing to share their income to support the anchor.
2) Any additional new spouses(when taken, the 2nd and beyond), the family/martial/religion court must receive BOTH written and vocal agreement of first spouse(voice recording does not count). She or He has the power to say no and disagree with the choice of the spouse. When the anchor has more than 2(TWO) spouses, their "vote" will qualify as well.
3) Both 1st and 2nd MUST be fulfilled to make the marriage official.
4) Family records. Must make sure who your child is from which spouse. Neglected on this duty will lead to family abandonment and family problems. On the long terms, the threats of incest also raise a concern among conservative element if "anime siblings relation" is any indication.
***
War Powers
Zorzal: "I want a war."
Senate: "You ain't getting a war."
Zorzal: "What do you mean? You heard me! I'm the Emperor! I want a war and I want it now!"
Senate: "No war. Not now, maybe later, but not now and not because you said so."
Zorzal: "Excuse me, but I can break you! I can order the army to kill your entire family!"
General: "Actually, no. Unless somebody presents compelling evidence that the Senate is engaged in treasonous acts, we can't move against them, or kill their families."
Zorzal: "Since when?! Defying me IS treason!"
General: "Not since the Reform Acts."
Zorzal: "WHAT REFORM ACTS!?"
Senate: "The ones that prevent Emperors from casually slaying Senators and ordering the Imperial Army on spear-fodder wars. THOSE Reform Acts."
Zorzal: "Well, I overturn them!"
General: "Can't, not without a majority of consent from the Senate."
Zorzal: "...Diablo put you up to this, didn't he?"
***
Comfort Food
"Face it; they're not cute, or friendly, even when they're young. They're not particularly charismatic or photogenic. They don't act like baby seals. They smell bad. But they cook up real nice and tender and go well with a good beer."
"...you bastards...you shot me down, and now you serve me my own mount! AND MADE ME ENJOY IT!"
"Hey, why waste perfectly good meat? And it's not like the thing was a horse. If it were, we'd bury it with honors."
***
Legal Complications
Animal Rights activists file a lawsuit against the Government for killing endangered dragons. The Government lawyers respond:
"The Dragon was clearly violent attacking anyone without any provocation."
PETA-Member "But-"
"FURTHERMORE! Not only was the Dragon sterile but it was also created by a goddess for basically shits & giggles meaning its survival will have absolutely no negative impact on the local ecosystem at all. It might even be better off."
"It attacked two communes of green-living elves. This is the equivalent of a rabid barbecue-fanatic attacking with a chainsaw a stand of young redwoods."
PETA-Lawyer: "You put me in the precarious position of alienating Green Party supporters if I try to defend the dragon. You are the more evil lawyer, I concede."
PETA Hardliner: "But the elves WEREN'T vegans!"
PETA-Lawyer: "Moonbeam, our moral position is eroding faster than a glacier under a greenhouse effect. The opposition will point out that the elves live hundreds of years in SPITE of hunting and eating meat. You really want that coming out?"
***
He Can Fly! But Maybe Shouldn't Have...
Yep, no reports of 'Jet Aircraft Forced to Return to Airfield After Sucking Peter Pan into Engine" yet.
THORK!SHRAKgungungagungagungadrubblegungagunga
"What was that? Bird strike?!"
"Sounded too big to be a bird! It looked like a guy in green tights! Cut power to the port engine! I'm calling for an emergency landing!"
No big loss. The dude was hopped up on Pixie Dust!
***
Dragon Meet Trolls
Corporal Owens stirred awake, blinking to see one of his squadmates staring at him.
"...how you feeling. Owens?"
"Huh, what do you mean?"
"Well, after last night."
"What about last night. I went out with you guys, you drank beer, I didn't, I went to sleep."
"Well, somebody slipped you some beer-"
"They did?"
"And you didn't...nobody expected THAT reaction..."
"Reaction?...what reaction?"
"I think Command's going to want to talk to you soon."
"Huh About what?"
"Those three villages."
"WHAT three villages?!"
"Well. they might still count as three villages...if they've managed to put the fires out yet."
"FIRES?!"
"Oh, you wouldn't have remembered that after what happened last night."
"WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!"
(new soldier comes in) "Hey, how's our merry arsonist feeling this morning?"
"He doesn't remember a thing."
"...ARSON...?!"
"Oh, that's good. Keep it up, and your lawyer might be able to work it into an insanity defense."
"LAWYER?!"
"Hey, want me to call you one before the MPs come in here?"
(Meanwhile, the other guys are outside watching the surveillance cam they've got trained on Owens' face and laughing themselves silly).
***
The Age of Enlightenment
Oh, and the wonders of technology:
Hut 17, Camp Charon, Iwo Jima:
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
"DEDIUS! QUIT FLIPPING THE LIGHTS! WE GET IT ALREADY! YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PLAYING WITH IT! TURN THEM OFF AND LET US GET SOME SLEEP!"
"But...It's so...Incredible!"
***
Benefitting From Experience
Sometime in the future:
Meeting the Unexpected (A Documentary Film)
(Opening shot of a military staff officer at the front of a room, slowly walking to the left of frame)
Officer: "Okay, you are all here because of what has become a not-so-unique-anymore set of circumstances. Now, some of you, through no fault of your own, stumbled into something we never encountered before…"
(As the officer walks along, a line of personnel, backs to the POV, come into view from the left hand side; they are wearing uniforms, or parts of uniforms, because it becomes apparent that not all of them fit a normal HUMAN uniform anymore. One has an unusually broad back, canine ears, fur spilling over the collar, and a tail twitches into view. The next in line is shorter and wider, and sprouting a pair of horns under a precariously-balanced cap, then there's an ENORMOUS backside and arms that look thick as tree trunks, and then somebody's uniformed back, only with nothing between its collar and the cap floating above it-)
Officer: (continuing)"-Some of you were deliberately attacked by means we are still learning to cope with, or cursed by powers we are still coming to grips with-"
(-next in line is what looks like a uniform sprouting bushels of tentacles where the head and arms should be. Then a gap as the officer is clearly looking DOWN at something. Then there's what looks like the back of a giant chicken. The next in line is taller, but this is because the torso is mounted atop a set of horse hindquarters, the full tail wicking nervously-)
Officer: (going on down the line)"-and some of you, in spite of our warnings, just plain fucked up-"
(-the next in line resembles a giant beetle or cockroach, another distinctly feline lines, yet another resembles a floating collection of rags, the last resembles a pile of rocks)
Officer: (stopping, then starting on back down the line)"-Needless to say, your lives have undergone a RADICAL change. You are fortunate, however, that the military is not without precedent in cases like yours, so we actually do have contingency policies for dealing with your new conditions, accommodating you in the service, and better preparing you for civilian life if and when you decide to opt out. So at this point I'll turn this over to one of the experts in this, who helped write the book and policy on dealing with problems like yours."
(Gold scale slides into view)
Owens(of course): " Thank you, Sergeant Simmons. Now, for the rest of you, let me start out by saying that, despite what you may think, your lives are NOT effectively over. In fact, they're just kickstarting-"
>>>
"Now, leading our seminar on Family Values in the Age of the Gates, allow me to introduce our guest speaker on the New Family, Senator William Octavius Taylor-"
>>>
"And now, before ComiKet festivities begin, some opening words from our Honorary Grand Marshal for Life, and Gracious Host of our present convention venue, Lord-Patriarch-Major Youji Itami-"
***
How I Met Your Mother
"Dad? How did you and mom meet?"
"Well, she had a really good left hook, and then she kicked me in the ribs-"
"I didn't kick you in the ribs, dear, I punched you in the gut."
***
Magnetic Personality
While able to avoid it at the airport while picking up Taylor's mother, Panache had no choice but to pass the metal detector after being invited to meet with the US Ambassador to Japan. With a DSS Agent standing nearby, a security technician asked Panache to place any items which might set off his scanners on the table. As she began to comply, another tech recorded the items for the record:
*clink*
'Longsword"
*clank*
"Dagger"
THUD
"Morningstar"
"It's a mace of office!" Panache objected
"Right."
*Clang*
"Dagger"
*Ching*
"Dirk"
"Ting"
"Backup dagger"
*Tingtangslatterchang*
"Chainmail undershirt."
Finally, with the Ambassador waiting, the senior agent simply rolled his eyes in defeat"Let's just stop before we get to the thigh dagger, the bosom throat-slicer, the scratch needle, and the razor wire garrote garters..."
The Janus Files 2: It's a mad, mad, mad, mad Empire!
As with the first excerpts of the Janus Files, over the course of the writing of The Janus Campaign, some bits have arisen, mainly produced by my readers, describing incidents which may or may not have happened during the course of the events in this story.. Many of these were provided by taalismn
We present more of these here. Enjoy!
It's Tradition, By George!
SAS Commander: "We pull this off, chaps, they'll have to strike off a new St. George award just to honor genuine dragon-slaying."
"Sir, given that it's been talked about that the Gate may have opened in medieval times, how do we know St. George didn't REALLY kill a bloody dragon?"
SAS Commander: "Then we're following in a fine British tradition!"
***
All In The Planning
Itami: "Taylor! It's ALL your fault!"
Taylor: "WHAT is my fault, Itami?"
Itami: "Ever since Aurelia described your house system to the girls, I can't get away with ANYTHING! Lelei has been drawing up schedules, Rory has taken on the role of House enforcer, Tuka is using those big innocent eyes on me and Yao! Around her, I can't even trust my own words! So it's all your fault! They're even calling Risa to get more stuff to blackmail me with! Risa's talking about moving back in with me! Damn it!"
Taylor: "I'm sorry. I'd love to help..."
Aurelia: "I'm sorry, my Lord but we need to be going. You need to be ready for Her Highness's party!"
Taylor: "Of course. You've all been looking forward to that. I'll start getting ready. Dress Whites?"
Aurelia: "Yes, my lord! Remember that your mothers will be there."
Itami: "Mothers, plural?"
Aurelia: "Oh yes! My mother, Nayu's mother, Lady Kalgi and her husband, Lady Octavia and Father, and Mrs. Taylor. Oh! And Lord Itami, I told Her Holiness and Miss Tuka that Her Highness has requested your presence also."
Rory's voice called from nearby: "Youji..."
Itami: "Dammit Taylor! Today was Comiket!"
***
Civil Defense
In the wake of the Ginza Incident, quite a few cities began taking looks at their own layouts and drawing up plans of what to do if a Gate showed up in THEIR neighborhoods.
Naturally, some of the property owners around New York City complained about the local police/National Guard approaching them about checking on renting(at discount) or commandeering, normally-high rent properties and looking into how best to turn them into local strong points…especially those properties overlooking Central Park.
"You want to know how best to knock out the windows for WHAT?!"
"Well, we figured we would put in a couple of heavy fifty-calibers, maybe a twenty-millimeter cannon …"
"!"
"Up to maybe a forty-millimeter if we can get it up your elevators. Or maybe we could get a Javelin team set up…there's enough room and ventilation in those apartments to handle the backblast, right?"
"!"
In other cities, it was a lack of civic preparedness which raised protests from citizens...
"Boston and New York are holding anti-Gate drills; what if they come through in HARTFORD?!"
***
PS... I Love You?!
"If we can just distract her for a moment," Itami suggested as Giselle came looking to settle the score.
"Right," Taylor nodded then shouted at Giselle. "Did you know you're beautiful when you're angry?"
Giselle stopped. "I... I'm beautiful? How beautiful am I?"
After a moment of surprise Itami fell over laughing. "Way to go! He wants to take you home to his mother! True love man!"
Giselle happily wrapped Taylor in a crushing embrace. "May Hardy grant me your soul forever!"
CRAP!
Itami continued to laugh.
Taylor shot him a look. "If I agree to marry you, will you kill him as my wedding present?"
***
Vintage Spirits
Elder: "On occasions like this we bring out the good booze."
Itami: "Which would be-?"
Elder: "Bottled seven hundred years ago."
Taylor: "Hey, look at the time! Sorry, love to stay, but we have places to go and people to see! Come along now!"
Itami: "You're sure in a hurry..."
Taylor: "...you really wanna stick around and tempt drunken shenanigans off centuries-old booze?"
Itami: "RIGHT! We are moving OUT!"
Matriarch Kyas: "Seven Hundred Years ago? Oh! I remember that batch! No... I don't think I'll have any of that. I've got some Twelve-Hundred-year-old stuff. Smooth."
***
Gross Anatomy
"All we've gotten to look at are little ones...oh, and that transformed corporal...and some of the sorta-dragon sophont-folk...THIS is like going from studying pigeons to walking through RODAN. Can you save us some lung tissue? We'd love to see what this thing uses for an oxygen transfer mechanism. Internal organs! If you spot anything that looks like intact organs, tag it and bag it and get it chilled! I'd PAY if we can get some intact parts of the heart! Damnit, I need a FREEZER CAR up here for our samples!"
(distant voice from the depths of the crater) "I think I found SPLEEN!"
***
Marriage in Triplicate!
Seeing a trend in it amongst personnel in the Janus/Special Region, governments have come out with several application forms; one for the single bride/groom, and the other for the other multiple partners.
"Form 244125-: Application for Recognized Group Familial Marriage-(Anchor)
Name:
National Affiliation:
Rank:
Gender:
Reasons for Special Consideration, Janus/Special Region Conditions(Check relevant boxes):
A: Declared by a community of 500 or more citizens and/or recognized Apostle of local god-entity to be appointed Champion/Avatar(attach signatures)
B: Declared by local god-entity to be Avatar/Demigod/God-Entity's Consort(provide witness statements)
C: Adopted by local aristocracy to peerage(Baron or higher)(provide signed official adoption)
D. Transformed/transfigured into post-human/creature of magic/demigod(attach medical files)
E. ...
"Form 33232324-: Application to Enter Into Recognized Group Familial Marriage-
Name:
National Affiliation:
Rank:
Gender:
Species/Race:
Anchor of Desired Group Familial Marriage:
Reasons for Desiring Entry into Group Marriage(Check relevant boxes):
A: Destined Love(attach affidavit of Oracle/priest/soothsayer)
B. Life Debt(Attach incident report detailing nature of life debt)
C: Arranged Marriage(Attach sworn statement of parents/guardians)
D. Psychological/physical Dependence on Group Marriage Anchor(attach physician's/psychiatrist's records)
E. Political/Dynastic Treaty(attach relevant treaty documents)
F.
"*Is your insanity permanent or temporary? Is it contagious?
*Are you currently taking substances that could adversely affect your judgment?
*Have you ever come under the influence of magic which could adversely affect your judgment?
*Have you gotten/discovered a tattoo or tattoos with the name(s) of any/all of the members of the group marriage on any part of your body? Are you regretting it?"
PROPOSAL ON THE ADDITIONAL LAW FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL MARRIAGE ACT.
The additional law as below;
1) must check financial, asset and bank statement of the anchor, whether he or she can afford the multiple spouses and possible children. Also, the spouse's statement as well whether they willing to share their income to support the anchor.
2) Any additional new spouses(when taken, the 2nd and beyond), the family/martial/religion court must receive BOTH written and vocal agreement of first spouse(voice recording does not count). She or He has the power to say no and disagree with the choice of the spouse. When the anchor has more than 2(TWO) spouses, their "vote" will qualify as well.
3) Both 1st and 2nd MUST be fulfilled to make the marriage official.
4) Family records. Must make sure who your child is from which spouse. Neglected on this duty will lead to family abandonment and family problems. On the long terms, the threats of incest also raise a concern among conservative element if "anime siblings relation" is any indication.
***
War Powers
Zorzal: "I want a war."
Senate: "You ain't getting a war."
Zorzal: "What do you mean? You heard me! I'm the Emperor! I want a war and I want it now!"
Senate: "No war. Not now, maybe later, but not now and not because you said so."
Zorzal: "Excuse me, but I can break you! I can order the army to kill your entire family!"
General: "Actually, no. Unless somebody presents compelling evidence that the Senate is engaged in treasonous acts, we can't move against them, or kill their families."
Zorzal: "Since when?! Defying me IS treason!"
General: "Not since the Reform Acts."
Zorzal: "WHAT REFORM ACTS!?"
Senate: "The ones that prevent Emperors from casually slaying Senators and ordering the Imperial Army on spear-fodder wars. THOSE Reform Acts."
Zorzal: "Well, I overturn them!"
General: "Can't, not without a majority of consent from the Senate."
Zorzal: "...Diablo put you up to this, didn't he?"
***
Comfort Food
"Face it; they're not cute, or friendly, even when they're young. They're not particularly charismatic or photogenic. They don't act like baby seals. They smell bad. But they cook up real nice and tender and go well with a good beer."
"...you bastards...you shot me down, and now you serve me my own mount! AND MADE ME ENJOY IT!"
"Hey, why waste perfectly good meat? And it's not like the thing was a horse. If it were, we'd bury it with honors."
***
Legal Complications
Animal Rights activists file a lawsuit against the Government for killing endangered dragons. The Government lawyers respond:
"The Dragon was clearly violent attacking anyone without any provocation."
PETA-Member "But-"
"FURTHERMORE! Not only was the Dragon sterile but it was also created by a goddess for basically shits & giggles meaning its survival will have absolutely no negative impact on the local ecosystem at all. It might even be better off."
"It attacked two communes of green-living elves. This is the equivalent of a rabid barbecue-fanatic attacking with a chainsaw a stand of young redwoods."
PETA-Lawyer: "You put me in the precarious position of alienating Green Party supporters if I try to defend the dragon. You are the more evil lawyer, I concede."
PETA Hardliner: "But the elves WEREN'T vegans!"
PETA-Lawyer: "Moonbeam, our moral position is eroding faster than a glacier under a greenhouse effect. The opposition will point out that the elves live hundreds of years in SPITE of hunting and eating meat. You really want that coming out?"
***
He Can Fly! But Maybe Shouldn't Have...
Yep, no reports of 'Jet Aircraft Forced to Return to Airfield After Sucking Peter Pan into Engine" yet.
THORK!SHRAKgungungagungagungadrubblegungagunga
"What was that? Bird strike?!"
"Sounded too big to be a bird! It looked like a guy in green tights! Cut power to the port engine! I'm calling for an emergency landing!"
No big loss. The dude was hopped up on Pixie Dust!
***
Dragon Meet Trolls
Corporal Owens stirred awake, blinking to see one of his squadmates staring at him.
"...how you feeling. Owens?"
"Huh, what do you mean?"
"Well, after last night."
"What about last night. I went out with you guys, you drank beer, I didn't, I went to sleep."
"Well, somebody slipped you some beer-"
"They did?"
"And you didn't...nobody expected THAT reaction..."
"Reaction?...what reaction?"
"I think Command's going to want to talk to you soon."
"Huh About what?"
"Those three villages."
"WHAT three villages?!"
"Well. they might still count as three villages...if they've managed to put the fires out yet."
"FIRES?!"
"Oh, you wouldn't have remembered that after what happened last night."
"WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!"
(new soldier comes in) "Hey, how's our merry arsonist feeling this morning?"
"He doesn't remember a thing."
"...ARSON...?!"
"Oh, that's good. Keep it up, and your lawyer might be able to work it into an insanity defense."
"LAWYER?!"
"Hey, want me to call you one before the MPs come in here?"
(Meanwhile, the other guys are outside watching the surveillance cam they've got trained on Owens' face and laughing themselves silly).
***
The Age of Enlightenment
Oh, and the wonders of technology:
Hut 17, Camp Charon, Iwo Jima:
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
FlipKLICK
"DEDIUS! QUIT FLIPPING THE LIGHTS! WE GET IT ALREADY! YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PLAYING WITH IT! TURN THEM OFF AND LET US GET SOME SLEEP!"
"But...It's so...Incredible!"
***
Benefitting From Experience
Sometime in the future:
Meeting the Unexpected (A Documentary Film)
(Opening shot of a military staff officer at the front of a room, slowly walking to the left of frame)
Officer: "Okay, you are all here because of what has become a not-so-unique-anymore set of circumstances. Now, some of you, through no fault of your own, stumbled into something we never encountered before…"
(As the officer walks along, a line of personnel, backs to the POV, come into view from the left hand side; they are wearing uniforms, or parts of uniforms, because it becomes apparent that not all of them fit a normal HUMAN uniform anymore. One has an unusually broad back, canine ears, fur spilling over the collar, and a tail twitches into view. The next in line is shorter and wider, and sprouting a pair of horns under a precariously-balanced cap, then there's an ENORMOUS backside and arms that look thick as tree trunks, and then somebody's uniformed back, only with nothing between its collar and the cap floating above it-)
Officer: (continuing)"-Some of you were deliberately attacked by means we are still learning to cope with, or cursed by powers we are still coming to grips with-"
(-next in line is what looks like a uniform sprouting bushels of tentacles where the head and arms should be. Then a gap as the officer is clearly looking DOWN at something. Then there's what looks like the back of a giant chicken. The next in line is taller, but this is because the torso is mounted atop a set of horse hindquarters, the full tail wicking nervously-)
Officer: (going on down the line)"-and some of you, in spite of our warnings, just plain fucked up-"
(-the next in line resembles a giant beetle or cockroach, another distinctly feline lines, yet another resembles a floating collection of rags, the last resembles a pile of rocks)
Officer: (stopping, then starting on back down the line)"-Needless to say, your lives have undergone a RADICAL change. You are fortunate, however, that the military is not without precedent in cases like yours, so we actually do have contingency policies for dealing with your new conditions, accommodating you in the service, and better preparing you for civilian life if and when you decide to opt out. So at this point I'll turn this over to one of the experts in this, who helped write the book and policy on dealing with problems like yours."
(Gold scale slides into view)
Owens(of course): " Thank you, Sergeant Simmons. Now, for the rest of you, let me start out by saying that, despite what you may think, your lives are NOT effectively over. In fact, they're just kickstarting-"
>>>
"Now, leading our seminar on Family Values in the Age of the Gates, allow me to introduce our guest speaker on the New Family, Senator William Octavius Taylor-"
>>>
"And now, before ComiKet festivities begin, some opening words from our Honorary Grand Marshal for Life, and Gracious Host of our present convention venue, Lord-Patriarch-Major Youji Itami-"
***
How I Met Your Mother
"Dad? How did you and mom meet?"
"Well, she had a really good left hook, and then she kicked me in the ribs-"
"I didn't kick you in the ribs, dear, I punched you in the gut."
***
Magnetic Personality
While able to avoid it at the airport while picking up Taylor's mother, Panache had no choice but to pass the metal detector after being invited to meet with the US Ambassador to Japan. With a DSS Agent standing nearby, a security technician asked Panache to place any items which might set off his scanners on the table. As she began to comply, another tech recorded the items for the record:
*clink*
'Longsword"
*clank*
"Dagger"
THUD
"Morningstar"
"It's a mace of office!" Panache objected
"Right."
*Clang*
"Dagger"
*Ching*
"Dirk"
"Ting"
"Backup dagger"
*Tingtangslatterchang*
"Chainmail undershirt."
Finally, with the Ambassador waiting, the senior agent simply rolled his eyes in defeat"Let's just stop before we get to the thigh dagger, the bosom throat-slicer, the scratch needle, and the razor wire garrote garters..."
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