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Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy/Monty Oum's RWBY cross(oneshot)


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Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy/Monty Oum's RWBY cross:

A light blinked on a console. A man looked at the blinking light. The man tried to remember what was it this particular light was to indicate. The man quickly became disillusioned with the idea that remembering would get him anywhere and got off his chair. He went to his library. This library belonged to a man whose name was so long and written in characters from twenty-four distinct alphabets that the owner himself never bothered to memorize it. He just told everybody to call him Bob. Not at all incidentally, the man that was currently browsing through it was in fact the library owner.

The library itself was so voluminous it took up one entire cubic kilometer of books. The only thing that rivaled its greatness in size was how remarkably dull its content was.

The man that made other people call him Bob even if that was not his real name opened the first book on the first shelf. The book was simply titled 'Index" and contained all the topics contained in the library.

Bob furrows his brow. He got back to the control console, memorized the location of the blinking, and returned to the index.

"Panel twenty-seven," He flipped the pages to get to the one with the information he needed.

"Fifth from the left fourth from the top. Hmm." He paused. "What on in the name of space is…" He read out loud. "Expired exoteric apparition extraction apparatus???"

He closed the index and returned it to its place on the shelf. He walked up to his bicycle standing chained to the wall in the corner. He opened the padlock and went on his journey to find the volume that held the answer to the question currently on his mind.


The dead girl sat on the cold metal floor in total darkness.

"So this is how death feels like." The dead girl muttered to herself.

She muttered to herself simply because as far as she has known there was no one there with her. She called and called and called but no one answered. She tried to walk, she succeeded at walking. Now she was walking in total darkness. Both of those were choices she made. She walked because she couldn't find any other productive thing to spend her time on. The darkness part was more complicated. She could use the faint glow from her aura to illuminate her surroundings. Doing that revealed two distinct and likely unrelated facts. First, she was standing on a dark metallic plain that stretched as far as the eye could see. The second thing she discovered was that she was not wearing anything at all.

Her sense of modesty made her stop glowing. She was dead that much she knew for certain. But it was no excuse for walking around naked and making her aura's glow advertise the fact to any souls that could see.

Pyrrha Nikos was dead, now walking alone on an empty and to her disappointment distinctly non-magnetic metal plain. Pyrrha decided that being dead was not at all what it was cracked up to be.


It took Bob over an hour to get to where he wanted to go. He now sat on the frame of his bicycle reading a book with an unimaginative title; "Expired Exoteric Apparition Extraction Apparatus Mk I: User manual and Introduction."

This book in itself wasn't guilty of any crimes. Nonetheless, it was an integral part of why the entire library was as dull as it was. Every single volume that the man that told people to call him Bob, owned was something that he would call useful in his travels. Going by the undeniable logic that one should know all that is to know in the place he lived in, or at the very least have access to the knowledge required, Bobs library was filled exclusively with; user manuals, manufacturer notes, and 'how do I fix it myself' titles about every part of the place he lived in.

The story of how he got to where he was now was intertwined with what the place was. And it was as tragic as it was dull. It went something like this:

The place he lived in on its surface did not appear dull at all. It was once called HMSS Suicidal Insanity. A proud battleship in the Imperial Galactic Government Navy

Laid down on the first day of galactic year 34256 and entering service under the name HMSS Suicidal Insanity in GY 34301, as the four hundredth and seventh ship of the Audacious class. It served as a ship-of-the-line till GY34501 when it was reclassified a harbor ship IX-59321 times 10 to the power of 27. Under that designation and in its new role it operated till GY 37123. Then reclassified as a meteorite break BT-561 times 10 to the power of 42 it acted as a surprise, surprise meteorite break for the planet Gorzabiulon Gama. It was a duty it performed well. It not only shielded the planet below from meteorites but it was also a very convenient parking place. It was so convenient a parking place it soon became an illegal trailer park. The trailer park became successful that it undertook all the required growth and continued on growing to the point the citizens of the trailer park started demanding independence in the year 39287. At this point what for eons was just a somewhat problematic homeless people issue that the social services were tasked with keeping an eye on, became a political and military one. The citizens of the planet that it orbited demanded action from the Imperial Galactic Government. The vast bureaucracy of the Imperial Galactic Government at this point did what such institutions are known to do and made the whole thing someone else's problem.

It put the whole ship up for auction. The opening price of one pence.

It was at this point that Bob comes in. Bob spent his youth selling cotton candy from his little cotton candy machine on his little chart, on the streets of the fine city of the name no one cared about on a planet no one outside of it heard of on the outskirts of the galaxy. Bob fell in love and started a family. He lived what he considered a happy life. He had two kids. Life was good for Bob. Till one day his loving wife that he adored decided that the kids are all grown up and she is sick and tired of her deadbeat of a husband. She divorced and kicked him out of the house. It was a big blow to Bob. He attempted to find an answer in alcohol. After that plan turned out to be infeasible Bob decided to drown his problems in the said liquid.

Bob being a big fan of all things military, sometimes passed his time looking through surplus military equipment online. One time being just a bit tipsy went on a Government run surplus page. Browsing through the item listed he spotted something that grabbed his interest:

'Military Surplus Battleship, working order.'

The opening bid was one pence.

Bob did not think long or possibly at all before placing his bid of two pence. Clicking the 'yes I read the rules of the agreement' button without actually doing so her promptly forgot about the whole thing and went to sleep.

A knock on the door woke Bob up the next morning.

It was a government robot. He gave him a piece of officially looking paper that looked suspiciously like a draft letter. The only difference between the draft letter he got something like 22 years prior and this one was that the words; 'make himself available for military service' were crossed out and the words 'retrieve his possession' penciled in their place.

The robot delivering the letter politely if firmly explained to Bob that failure to comply resulted in 6-year incarceration followed by summary execution and a two hundred pound fine. The letter he got also acted as a travel ticket to the destination where his belonging was. Bob naturally fearful of the penalty involved and still a bit hangover packed his travel bag and went to the nearest bus stop.

Bob's journey, that required him to change spaceships in Atlanta twice for some reason, was long and arduous. Finally seven months later and ten-kilo slimmer ended up where the letter was now far more yellow and covered in far more coffee stains than it used to have ordered him to show up on. The entry to the ship turned out to be quite easy. After acquiring the locals for information where a battleship was and getting interchangeably blank stares bursts of laughter and other funny looks, he managed to find a single door that had a sign saying

'IGGN property authorized personnel only!' written above it in bold letters.
Bob put the letter he got to the reader on the door and gained admittance. After glancing at the map hanging on the wall Bob promptly got out. He returned with his newly acquired bicycle, sleeping bag and camping equipment and went on his way to the bridge of the ship.

That im a nutshell explained both man's and the ship's backstory. The book he was holding and whose introduction he was reading that surprisingly was found at the tail end of the book said:

The expired exoteric apparition extraction apparatus was a device designed with the express purpose to pick up the souls of the fallen sailors to be picked out of the immaterial plane. The souls captured by the apparatus could be retrieved from the waiting area where they were deposited in to be later ordered by the ships superior officers to get back on duty. There were however quite a few problems with the apparatus. Firstly a soul without a body is just a ghost. As a ghost is something immaterial and can pass through solid objects. Only the most dutiful souls remained in the waiting area. Secondly putting a soul back in a body is quite problematic. Third, very few people get to take their bodies with them after they die. Theoretical works found that while it is possible to take the body with you after you die the circumstances for it to happen are hard to achieve. Forth and most importantly there are no such things as ghosts and no equipment can detect the presence of one there is not a single recorded instance of the Expired exoteric apparition extraction apparatus ever functioning in the field.

Bob furrowed his brow but continued reading.

If expired exoteric apparition extraction apparatus Mk I, indicates that it has captured someone you are very lucky and you should go into the waiting area and greet the person that is the first recorded case of resurrection.

Bob put the book back in its place. He studied the map of his ship. The waiting area was large in itself and quite a bit way away from his position. The bicycle wouldn't cut it. He would need to get to the Jump Jet.


Pyrrha Nikos did like not the afterlife very much. It was dull, it was quiet it was dark it was lonely and empty. She for some time now attempted to entertain herself with reliving the last moments of her life.

"Do you believe in destiny?" She remembered asking.

"I do" she remembered the response.

Pyrrha patted herself on the back mentally and then did it in reality because who is going to see? Those were some profound last words. Those words will end up in a big beautiful book titled 'Famous Last Words.' She could see it now.

"Do you believe in destiny? Pyrrha Nicos" she said out loud.

It had a nice ring to it, in her humble opinion. Way better than what various historians found that the most commonly used last words being 'Oh Shit' followed by 'hold my beer and watch this' she remembered reading that little useless piece of trivia somewhere. She smiled at that. At least hers were far from being pedestrian.

All thoughts in Pyrrha's head screeched to a halt when she spotted a small light in the corner of her vision. A tiny glimmer of hope bloomed in her heart. Maybe this was not the afterlife after all! She remembered the phrase 'go into the light' so far she had not seen any lights, apart from the one her aura produced, but she doubted that counted. She turned and walked in that direction. Maybe the afterlife was not so dreadfully dull, maybe she didn't get to the good part yet.

The whole deal of whether was there or wasn't there an afterlife she had while still alive was immaterial. She was living it or dying it, Pyrrha was not sure of the nomenclature, experiencing it at this moment. So there definitely was one. The light was getting closer. That was somewhat surprising. She half expected to be forced to walk the distance. The second surprising thing was her trained eye could discern two things the light was flying quite a bit off the ground and was moving very, very fast. As in Ruby using her semblance fast, maybe even faster than that? She considered it for a moment and dismissed it. This was the afterlife why would she question silly things like the light she was likely expected to get to rate of speed?

Her train of thought was brutally derailed at that very moment. A large airship with a thunder of what she recognized as jet turbines did a violent maneuver over her head. She was almost deafened and the gust of wind from the things passing almost made her lose her footing. She was very much surprised when she looked in the direction of the airship and saw that the light she was so insistent on going towards was just a large spotlight on the front of it. The ship extended its landing gear and landed wobbly a short distance from her. The sound of its engine died down. A small hatch opened on the underside of the craft. A ladder was extended down. A person climbed down it. It was a corpulent short fellow. He looked harmless enough in Pyrrha's expert opinion. He was not armed. The man looked in her direction and promptly looked up. He got up the ladder far quicker than he got down it.

The huntress in training was quite confused by that. Was it a test? Was it some sort of evaluation after you die? Was she found wanting???

The last filled her with dread! She was a good person, she never hurt anyone! Was it because of that Robot girl? She Didn't mean to, She was about to run up and protest, she wanted to state her case, but was stopped by the man climbing back down the ladder with a piece of white fluffy cloth draped over his shoulders.

Pyrrha watched intently at this new development. The man was pointedly looking in the direction away from her as he unfolded the piece of cloth. It turned out to be a large beach towel, or at the very least it looked like it. That man held it in between himself and Pyrrha walking slowly in her direction. He walked slowly as the towel was held in such a way that he couldn't see her or where he was going.

"Excuse me, Miss." The man spoke he had a pleasant voice like that of one lovable uncle or a kindly old shop keep. The kind of voice people expected from harmless-looking people.

"Excuse me, Miss." He repeated.

"Yes?" Said Pyrrha still transfixed by the whole experience of being dead and what it entailed.

"I got you a towel to cover yourself." His words had the effect of making four things happen almost simultaneously. First Pyrrha's eyes went wide. Second, her face turned red. Third her hands wrapped around her to cover her modesty. Forth she activated her aura shot forward grabbed the towel and wrapped herself in it covering herself the best she could. Being a huntress of some renown all four things were done in a blink of an eye. Still, they happened agonizingly slow as far as poor dead Pyrrha was concerned.

The man was turning his head as far as he could to the side.

"Uhm…" The man said doing everything not to look at her "sorry should have started with the towel or got something better with me."

Pyrrha just nodded, her face was burning hotly. At this moment she doubted for a need of activating her aura for illumination.

"I am really terribly sorry," He continued "it's the first time I have ever done something like this."

"It is the first time for me also." Pyrrha said her face got even hotter. "Dying I mean!" she quickly clarified.

"Well, yes." The man said and tried to find words to continue. "First time me meeting someone being resurrected."

Pyrrha blinked.

"Resurrected?" she asked.

"Oh yes." The man turned his head to glance in her direction, finding that she was more or less decent turned to face her. "Forgive my manner, it's the first time in some time I entertained a visitor. Welcome to my ship. You can call me Bob." Bob extended his hand a smiled.

"Pyrrha Nikos" she shook it. "Excuse me, what do you mean by resurrect? What do you mean Ship?"

"You are onboard the former Hers or his majesty spaceship Suicidal Insanity. I got it for two pence and am currently flying it from scrapyard to scrapyard trying to sell it. Turns out there is surprisingly little market for millennia-old ships-o-war with a red dwarf star as a power plant and a trailer park colony turned self-sufficient civilization on its hull that is demanding independence." The man chuckled like he just told a joke she should understand.

Pyrrha just blinked, she blinked again, she straightened her head to look in the distance and blinked twice more. She turned her head to look at the man blinked again and asked.

"Wait, what?"

"Long story," he said then corrected "actually it is not, it involves beer and an online auction page. As for the resurrection part, this ship has a ghost catcher doohicky on board. According to the manual, you are the first ever person it managed to resurrect. Congratulations Pirrha Nicos was it? You just got resurrected!"

The man sounded jovial all Pyrrha could do was blink.

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