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A Penguin Plays RULE THE WAVES

41.1 January 1904
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SHORTSTACK NUMBER TWO! WELCOME TO THE FLEET!

(Baraco) AAAH WHAT STOP.

(Furiosa) The mystery of whether female dwarves can grow beards, we shall solve it now, sisters!

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(Barbarella) MINI-ME!
(Baraco) Please! Not more huggings!
(Barbarella) SO SQUISHYY.

(Barquillo) My convenient stunt double twin! I won't forget your sacrifice, sister!
(sneak sneak)

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(ninja ninja)
(Barbacoa) You know Barbarella and I are twin sister ships too right?
(Barquillo) Oh noes.

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Oh shite, I just realized that I forgot to click some buttons and the Barquillo class Conning Tower armor, i.e., the armor protecting the captain and crew, is only six inches.

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I hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the arse later.


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Whatever he said, the whole dang Navy stands by it.
 
41.2 January 1904
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Wait, isn't that...?

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Know what's worse than having six-inch conning towers? Five inches of belt armor on a battleship.

And nine-inch guns that are barely better than eight inch guns for anti-cruiser work but far too weak to deal with battleship grade armor.

And it has only two chances to hit on every salvo instead of four in double turrets.

[WORTHLESSBOTE INTENSIFIES]

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OH NOOO.

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Note to self, never say anything bad about Italian cooking again.

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All right. So this is the state of our fleet.
We have almost no money left, but we have much income again.

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What can we do about this?

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You could STOP SPENDING, for one.

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Ehh. All right.
It would take 20 more months to build another Cruiser anyway. I'm not waiting that long.

Let's roll next month and see what happens.
 
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42.1 February 1904
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I am still very interested in how our Adobo is only very slightly cheaper than the Barquillo.

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If we have the Brits build 'em, we're only shaving off 4 months for only +100k more per month.

So if we calculate this...

1.5 x 25 = 37 million vs 1.6 x 20 = 32 million.
Nice savings. But still probably best for when we have loose cash since 20 months is almost two years too late to any battle.


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Speaking of which - HELLO, FISHIES!

Now we've got enough light escorts to patrol our shores.

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Radar hasn't been invented yet, remember? The only way to know anything is if a ship spots something.

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Huh. Do we have any holdings in Africa?

Do we even care?

Nevertheless...

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Well of course I would send a Battleship. Why wouldn't I?
It would have all the extra room. It would be comforting to our citizens.

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Granted, a Cruiser would probably be faster, but it's a good shakedown cruise for our new battleship.

It's only a difference of two knots. What's the harm?
 
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42.2 February 1904
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What?! WHY?

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WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DOOO?!!!

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Crap crap crap move move MOVE!

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The only reinforcements we can hope to expect in the next few months is a bunch of unarmored minesweepers!

Better hope that the treaty -

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PERFIDIOUS ALBIOOOOONNNN!!!!

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I should have gone for you from the start. So what if Gran Britannya has the largest fleet afloat?!


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WHAT. WHAT?!

THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY!

THAT ESCALATED WAAAY TOO QUICKLY!

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I CAN FEEL THE WARP OVERTAKING ME!
 
There's that war you talked about a while back. So did Austria get pissed off about you sending that Battleship or was it something else?
 
There's that war you talked about a while back. So did Austria get pissed off about you sending that Battleship or was it something else?
Yup. Apparently that was all the excuse they needed.

... but why Africa? I've been fucking around South America and that just makes them like me more. But I send one battleship on a simple transport gig and oh no that's going too far.
 
There's that war you talked about a while back. So did Austria get pissed off about you sending that Battleship or was it something else?
Yup. Apparently that was all the excuse they needed.

... but why Africa? I've been fucking around South America and that just makes them like me more. But I send one battleship on a simple transport gig and oh no that's going too far.
It did increase tensions and made you look like you were going to try and take over that area. Might have been enough to tip the scales and make A-H consider it should nip your ambitions straight away, while UK would be satisfied in seeing the "troublemaker" get their asses kicked. Good luck. :)
 
It did increase tensions and made you look like you were going to try and take over that area. Might have been enough to tip the scales and make A-H consider it should nip your ambitions straight away, while UK would be satisfied in seeing the "troublemaker" get their asses kicked. Good luck. :)
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Yeah. What's weird about this is that nobody else cares.

Perfidious Albion: being perfidious.
 
43.1 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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All right. We don't have local capital ship superiority in this surprise attack.
The pair of Barquillo-class battleships are only going to arrive next month.

Let's just see what happens.

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Huh. Okay that was fast.

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(CL Ladron) I'm taking fire!

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What?! Already?!

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What is that?

All right, all ships turn turn turn and ohh there's another one.


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It's a Light Cruiser. That's fine.

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There's two more of them!
Let's hope they're Destroyers.


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That is not a Destroyer.

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Those are not Destroyers!

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You are ordered to stay in contact until at least we can identify what we're up against.


(CL Ladron) Found another unknown warship.

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Shite, there's FOUR of them!

Two CL Asperns and two CA Donau.


(CL Ladron) Taking fire from Armored Cruisers!
 
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43.2 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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All right. So the Aspern is one of those huge-ass Light Cruisers that they have. That's not a problem.

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Now that. That is a problem.

The Lechon class is almost useless. We should have scrapped this design long ago as soon as we had the Furiosa class for scouting purposes.
Though at least it has a little better armor.

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Now our Adobo is basically fine.
She's very fine.

No Armored cruiser has better than 5" armor anyway, and if you're using Armored Cruisers on the battle line with guns made to defeat armor greater than 6 inches you're doing it wrong.

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(CL Ladron) I'm taking from from all enemy ships!
(CL Ladron) Get me the hell out of here!

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Full speed to the left, keep tail on those CL Asperns.

(CL Ladron) What the frick is left? Your left? My left?!

(CA Adobo) Head due WEST, I'm coming through.

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(CA Adobo) The enemy is opening up their formation, steaming away from us for some reason.
(CA Adobo) Keep going due West, we can try to sink that one Aspern to defeat them in detail.

(CL Ladron) 2 vs 1 is not bullying the same way 4 vs 2 isn't.

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(CA Adobo) Reporting. One CL Aspern is off taking cover behind the pair of CA Donaus.

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(CA Adobo) Lost sight of CL at NE. The Donaus are moving in to engage at parallel track.
(CA Adobo) Taking fire from enemy cruisers.

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(CA Adobo) Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

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(CA Adobo) Lost contact with the Aspern due North West.
(CA Adobo) Switching targets to nearest Donau.
(CA Adobo) Exchanging full broadsides.

(CL Ladron) I'm being useless!

(CA Adobo) Don't sound so happy about it.

(CL Ladron) This is my only tone of voice!
(CL Ladron) I'm actually feeling rather distressed.
 
43.3 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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Well eff this for a box of empanadas.

(CA Adobo) Disengaging.

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Can we use our speed to get them to split up again and defeat them in detail?

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Nope. Those Donaus are sailing tight, supporting each other's fire.

Continue fleeing.

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What are those things anyway?

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Wait, what?

We already destroyed one turret? And their belt armor is actually quite weak and their guns only six inchers?

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Everybody turn arrrrooound.

(CL Ladron) 1 vs 2 is more than a fair fight!
 
Watch out for its fixed torpedo tubes: they shouldn't be much of a threat unless you come way too close, at which point they might be a terminal surprise.
 
43.4 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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I don't get it.
Even if their guns were massively better than ours, they still shouldn't be penetrating more than five inches at this range.

Heck, our eight-inchers should technically not be able to deal with their armor at more than 8000 yards, but weather conditions are forcing us to fire at nearly pointblank range.

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(CA Adobo) We lost sight of them again in the rain.

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Wait, my Armored Cruiser stopped moving for some reason.

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Engine hit! HOW?! Those magic six inch guns!

(CL Ladron) Found the Asperns!

(CA Adobo) Weren't they to our north a while ago?
(CA Adobo) This rain...!

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So you remember what I said about even-numbered gun calibers?

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I still don't believe it.

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Aaaah! The Adobo's getting hammered and still not moving!

(CA Adobo) I am not experiencing engine problems.
(CA Adobo) A ship at a dead stop is soon to be dead.
(CA Adobo) This heavy rain that's playing merry hell on everybody's accuracy is almost a good thing right now.

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Oh.

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(CA Adobo) PEBKAC* issue resolved.
(CA Adobo) Engines to full.

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ONWARDS TO GLORY!



*problem exists between keyboard and chair error
 
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43.5 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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Oh no, the Adobo has taken a lot of damage already.

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Wait, no, that's still 16% and we're not getting any floatation damage just yet.
We shouldn't be taking any damage at all.

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(CA Adobo) The Aspern's had enough, it's turning away.
(CA Adobo) We keep losing sight of them in the rain.
(CA Adobo) I'd be happy to trade fire with the Donau all day if they just didn't keep disappearing.

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(CA Adobo) See? Like that they're gone again.
(CA Adobo) It's taking a lot just to guess their heading and keep contact.

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Rain's clearing up but we don't have any more enemy contacts.

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The dashed line is our gun range and the solid but thin line is our sight range.

(CL Ladron) Another ship! I'll go check it out!

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(CL Ladron) I have no idea what I'm doing lol.

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(CA Adobo) WEREN'T THESE ASSHOLES FLEEING NORTH OF US A WHILE AGO?!

(CL Ladron) I'm scouting as hard as I can don't blame me!


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(CA Adobo) The Donau are heading north while the Asperns are breaking east.
(CA Adobo) There's not so much a hard sheet of rain to hide behind anymore.

(CL Ladron) One of them's already out of sight though?

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We are not leaving until we sink a ship.
Keep tail on those Asperns!
 
43.6 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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(CL Ladron) One of them's breaking off north.

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We won't be able to catch it in time. Just get that Aspern!

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We already destroyed two turrets.
It packs six inch guns same as the Donaus!

But at least it has far less armor, so while technically it is still somehow a threat it can only shoot back with two guns on the chase.

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The Donau with its wing turrets could orient six.

(CL Ladron) Um...
(CL Ladron) This is now Actually Bullying, isn't it?

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(CA Adobo) Enemy is turning south.

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Ouch my eyes!

My screen just brightened all of a sudden! What's happening?!
 
43.7 WAR! - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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Oh. So it just stopped raining.

This is what the ocean normally looks like. Huh.

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Ah! Now what?!
Is it raining again?

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What's happening?

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Oooh. Night time.

I see. I forgot that was a thing.

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Seriously?

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(CL Ladron) We cain't see shite, cap'n!

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Ech. I consider it a draw.

(CA Adobo) We probably would have been able to sink the enemy if the conditions weren't so adverse.
(CA Adobo) On the other hand, it also prevented them from combining their fire.

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If six inch guns can do armor damage, that doesn't bode well for our Destroyers and Light Cruiser Raiders.

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(CA Adobo) Time to head home for now.
(CL Ladron) Yeah, this hasn't been fun.

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All right. For our first battle just surviving is a great enough victory.

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Wait. Is that...?

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Waaaaaaaitasecond.
 
43.8 AAR - Cruiser Battle off Syracuse - Feb 1904
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THOSE ARE SPANISH FLAGS.

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THAT WAS US. THAT WAS US ALL ALONG!

That's why the USA and the CSA didn't like us snarking about it.

We invaded and took over Albania. Which is right on the border to Austria-Hungary.

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Sure, they declared war on us first. But I can't rightfully say it was unprovoked.

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So this is the After Action Report of the battle. Red is us, blue is A-H.

At 10:00 AM, the Austria-Hungary navy ambushed a pair of our scouting Cruisers with two pairs of their own.

Until 11:00, for almost an hour, we steamed west towards Italy, then turned down.

Until 12:00 the Donau chased us until we abruptly turned around and then for several hours running it was glorious kerfluffle over there with people going around in circles just trying to keep in contact under heavy rains.

At 16:00 we followed an Aspern to the east but it was a sacrificial goat. The others had already broken off and headed north.

At 17:00 we completely lost sight of the enemy and it was becoming too dark to operate.

At 18:00 the battle was considered concluded.

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No ships were sunk, but three ships of theirs will have to be down in the yards for substantial time.

Our two ships will have to be repaired for at least a month as well.

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Surviving that ambush is victory enough.


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Now we must ask the uncomfortable questions.

We were ambushed off the coast of Sicily. They knew we would be be there.

It was not a battle keeping the Austria-Hungarian Navy bottled up in that channel right off the coast of Albania.

What were we doing patrolling deep in Italian national waters?

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...

It is not so mysterious.

The ships were re-coaling on the way back from patrol.

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Okay. I will accept that as a valid reason.
It is possible Italy is not betraying us too.
 
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I honestly forgot about the Albania colony.
 
Why Albania
I honestly forgot about the Albania colony.
Pietro thought Albania was on the other side of Europe facing the Black Sea.


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Albania... that's the country next door to Transylvania, isn't it?

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... You thought it was a hard-to-reach country because it's where Voldemort fled to, didn't you?

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I did.
 
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So who is the cartoon duck and turtle? 'w'
 
So who is the cartoon duck and turtle? 'w'
Haven't named them yet. They're part of a bunny turtle duck trinity as seen on my The Movies LP on SV.
 
44.0 WAR! - March 1904
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Intel.

What is it? Five and half inches or six and a half inches?

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...

I am leaning towards six and a half inches.

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Yes, nineteen knots is pathetically slow for an Armored Cruiser even at this point in time.
It's either more armor or an oversized gun, but it's too slow and too thin-armored to play BattleCruiser.

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Fair enough. I understand there's usually a little vagueness with regards to intelligence gathering.

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Huh. So our ships don't even have to spend a month in the yard for repairs at all.

Good news. But this means that the Austria-Hungarians are probably down only one ship with Heavy Damage.

But as you can see, our reinforcements have already arrived and we're at full battle strength.

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We have lots of money and the Lechon class are being useless so might as well get on that while the funding's there.

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The best time to prepare for the next war is during it, because it's not like we can expect these things to arrive before the war completes.
If we're having to fight two whole YEARS, something's already gone wrong.

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Meanwhile let us set all our Light Cruisers into raiding duty.

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Our Destroyers are actually kinda slow, aren't they?
At least we have plenty for Patrol duties.

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And here. We. Go.

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As you can see, we have three battleships in the area versus their one.
Weird. I know they have a lot more Armored Cruisers than this. Where did they go?

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...

These are estimates.

Intel could possibly be wrong.

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That's fair.
Let's just Accept this battle and see what happens.
 
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I wanna offer plans for an unconventional type of ship destined to your fleet, admiral:


The idea behind it is to make everyone, including the French, go WTF. Deal? As for the crew insane enough to board this, don't worry, I've got a solution too:

 
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